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31 March 2016

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Meredith

I get this feeling of not worthy at the core, despite knowing otherwise intellectually. Loving a child with special needs has helped me untangle this thinking, even as I sometimes question if I am capable this role. Mindfulness is a skill I am trying to teach him (and myself). Probably the best tool I found so far is the CD that comes with the book, Sitting Still Like a Frog, which is much less faux-spiritual than some of the guided meditations. You can access them online at no cost. My favorite is "Conveyor Belt of Worries."

bearing

Hm. I will check this out.

[Added]-- oh, hey, those audio files are on the web for free. Here they are:

http://www.shambhala.com/sittingstilllikeafrog

Meredith

Thanks, I tried to add those but couldn't get the link to work.

Jenny

Technical question: Has this post been up since March? Because this is the first I've seen it and I've been by a few times. If it has, weird.

I come from a family with high-achieving, perfectionist parents and I never felt that I measured up to expectations. Even high accomplishments were met with something approaching indifference because it was just expected. Not that I don't think my parents were never proud of me, but they did not express it well in their interactions with me. Performances and whatnot were always met with a list of things that went wrong before acknowledging the things that went right.

As a result, I've always felt inadequate because perfection, the only standard worth having, is impossible. However, my reaction to this feeling is not to try to prove myself by never-ending achievement, but to recoil from trying at all sprinkled with a dash of rebellious 'you can't make me.'

This year has been rough because I don't have imposter syndrome, but I really am an imposter. I have very little idea of what I am supposed to be doing or how to do it and definitely was never trained for this work. It's a constant struggle against wanting to just roll up in a ball and hide.

I'm interested in what you have to say about mindfulness. I also am a compulsive maker of lists which never end. I need to work on concentrating only on my current task instead of constantly running through the list in my head and then seizing into a mass of paralyzed inertia.

Bearing

No, it went up a few days later than that. I had some RSS problems that I tried to fix by monkeying with the date stamp.

GretchenJoanna

I was just last month talking at length with a friend who has the same feelings. I told her that I had learned to be thankful that my parents put no pressure on me to do anything ! I guess because I already seemed destined to be good, and as successful as anyone could hope for their child -- at least, anyone as sensible and non-driven as my parents.

You might read about the Jesus Prayer, which is not any kind of busyness or even meditation, but it does get one in touch with the Healer, by learning to listen to, not good ideas, but the silence of God. Talk about being non-productive!

God bless you.

MrsDarwin

I too am only just now seeing this post, through coming in on the post in which you linked to it. Would you consider making a Bearing facebook page, a closed group even, and have your links automatically post there?

I always enjoy reading your writing because you and I have almost opposite personalities, and you help me to understand what it's like to be you, but also parts of myself as well. I too come from a screwed up family, as you know, but it was one in which I was always, always loved for myself, no matter what. And I think that has carried over into adulthood. I often feel overwhelmed, but never like an imposter -- it's just me, trying to do stuff, and often doing it poorly or chaotically, but being myself.

I almost never feel any pressure to do things, which is a problem because there's lots of stuff needs doing. But sitting still with the kids, cuddling, reading a book -- that's the good stuff. And I hope it's what my kids remember, because they're not going to talk about my systems or the way I kept everything running like clockwork.

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