I don't force my small children to perform social pleasantries. When someone sings "Say please!" to a little one while dangling a toy out of reach, or loudly reminds an older child "Say thank you," after someone passes the salt --- that grates on my ear. I don't insist that they kiss or hug anyone. ("Say goodbye" slips out a lot, but only because it's code for "We're leaving now.") It feels disrespectful to me to prompt them, as if I don't trust them to be polite on their own, as if I'm pointing out to everyone for my benefit that yes, I am raising my children correctly, DID YOU NOTICE THAT I REMINDED THEM TO SAY "YOU'RE WELCOME?"
Yes, I do teach my children to be polite. First by modeling, being polite and cheerful to each other in our own home. It surprised me how early Oscar learned to say "thank you" even without ever being prompted.
Second, when teaching and reminding becomes necessary, I try to do it off stage. If he is so overjoyed on receiving a present of a new toy that he runs off to play with it before thanking the giver, I sneak over and whisper, "When you get a chance, be sure to tell Aunt So-and-so with words how much you like your present, and say thank you." And driving over to the relatives' houses on Christmas, I remind them in the car: Every time someone gives you something, say thank you and smile no matter what you think of the present. Or: Remember that when you want something to eat or drink, you must ask for it.
Third, when we're at home in our family, we rehearse. "WATER!" is met with, "Let's practice that again. Say someone's name first, and then ask a whole question. Daddy, can you get me a glass of water?"
(Lately I have noticed a tendency for the children to whine please please please when I've said "no," so I've been de-emphasizing Please as a crucial part of asking for an item. Isn't "Daddy can you get me a glass of water" just about as polite as "Daddy can you please get me a glass of water?" I've been sticking to insisting on complete sentences. That, and carrying around the stock answer, "Please is not for changing minds. Please is for asking politely.")
So far this philosophy has served our family well. That is, when I am using it to guide my children, I feel that I'm respectfully helping them; and also, they seem to respond the way I hope they will.
I've had more trouble with "I'm sorry."
When I was a child, I was made to say "I'm sorry" quite a lot, including many times when I wasn't sorry for whatever I had done, and a few times when I hadn't done anything wrong. I can remember one time when I was about ten, and was made to stay in my room for an entire weekend at my dad and stepmother's house, because I refused to apologize for having spoken rudely to my stepmother. (I insisted I'd been misunderstood and didn't need to apologize.) By the time I was a teenager I'd developed the attitude that it was okay to inconvenience people, hurt their feelings, etc., because all that mattered was that you muttered "I'm sorry" and that was it. Sincerity obviously wasn't important. Neither was avoiding hurting people in the first place.
This isn't the attitude I wanted my kids to develop. Also, just as with "please" and "thank you," it grates on me to hear parents prompt "Say you're sorry" the minute their child bumps into someone, and to hear the little one mutter "sorry" like a little robot. It's just a social convention, right? Just because they said it doesn't mean they meant it. And it's not respectful to order a child to say she's sorry in front of everyone right away. As an adult, if I screw up, don't I often want to apologize to someone later and in private? That should be all right for our kids, too. (Even if it doesn't say to the other adults, LOOK AT ME; I AM A RESPONSIBLE PARENT.)
So instead I'd try to encourage empathy, hoping that an appropriate social response would flow more naturally out of that. Oscar, age two, bonks another little boy in the head and the child runs away crying to his mother: I'd whisper to Oscar, "Go see if he's okay." I mean, there's not really any remorse at that age, but you don't need to feel remorse to go over to someone and say "Are you all right?" I was thinking of high school age guys, horsing around on the football field, one accidentally trips the other up: they don't necessarily apologize to each other, but there are still social exchanges: hey man, you okay? Yeah.
I still use "So-and-so is sad, go see if he's okay" with the very little ones. But it occurred to me recently that "I'm sorry" is more than just a social convention, and can be positive even if the person speaking it is not emotionally repentant.
Here's what I mean. I used to think that it was a kind of lying to apologize if you weren't actually, you know, sorry about something: if you felt that you'd done the right thing; if you thought that the injured party was oversensitive and shouldn't have been offended; if you still were angry and hadn't developed proper remorse yet.
Technically, I suppose, it is lying to say the words "I am sorry" in those circumstances. But there are other things that can be said. And why is it important to say them?
Because it gives the offended person an opportunity to forgive you.
I discovered this because of something Oscar started to do spontaneously. When he was about four, he began to ask not just "Are you okay?" but also "Will you forgive me?" I couldn't figure out how he'd learned that until a friend told me, "Erin, you say that to people all the time! 'I forgot to call you yesterday, will you forgive me?'" (I had no idea I was so melodramatic.)
This behavior, on Oscar's part, tends to be pretty well-received. Nobody notices whether a little boy said the Magic Words I'm sorry if he spontaneously asks "Will you forgive me?" instead.
Everyone who feels offended deserves a chance to offer forgiveness, whether the offense is real or not. (It's even more important to forgive when the offense isn't real.) And it's much easier to forgive someone if that person has extended an apology, or something that rings like one.
In a sense, the Christian sense, apologies are not ends in themselves. We are not commanded to apologize to people. We are commanded to forgive. So the purpose of an apology is the other person's forgiveness. All apologies are invitations to forgive. They create a space where an intentional act of forgiveness is welcome.
With that understanding, I see apologies in a whole new light. Now they are no longer social conventions, to be rattled off sincerely or insincerely. Now they are acts of charity, acts that help another person feel ready to forgive.
And acts of charity can and should be undertaken whether we feel charitable or not. Sincerity of feeling is not a requirement.
So now, if I see that another child is upset because of something my child has done (whether because of misbehavior or because of ordinary playfulness), I can say to my child, "Look. That little guy is sad because you bumped into him. Go see if he is okay. Ask him to forgive you." And that's something I can really get behind with confidence.
Raising children really does teach you a lot. In struggling with the "I'm sorry" question, I learned something too. It's emotionally easier for me to apologize to people now. I wish I'd understood the reason when I was ten.
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