I was spurred by comments on my two previous posts about AP and Neufeld to pull Parenting With Grace off the shelf. This is Greg and Lisa Popcak's guide to "Catholic AP." I wanted to evaluate their discipline techniques, which they ground in Catholicism, in the light of Neufeld's theory.
The Popcaks start from the theology of the gift of self as the starting point for discipline --- how God gives himself to us, how the Church mothers us through her sacraments. So they say that they look for "loving, self-donative means" of discipline or training, and claim that corporal punishment, threats, shaming, etc., are not self-donative or are at the very least less self-donative. (What they call "self-donative," I tend to call "get-off-your-butt parenting.")
They divide discipline techniques into two types: everyday techniques to teach and to build relationships, and corrective techniques. This post is only about the first variety. About these they say:
"Remember not to lead your child into temptation... A Christian parent must be careful not to give his or her child any greater responsibility than that child is developmentally capable of handling... it is our job to avoid putting our children into situations they are simply incapable of handling."
Here are the twelve techniques of the Popcaks, considered in the light of Neufeld's theory of the six kinds of attachment (briefly: through the senses, through imitation, through belonging and loyalty, through feeling significant, through feeling affection, through being known).
1. Build Rapport. Example given: More hugs for a surly teenage son. The Popcaks say that encouraging affection in this way "mirror[s] Christ" because it shows the parent generously giving of himself. This is a technique which should build the child up to enable them to handle more situations.
In Neufeld's book, this would translate to "strengthen attachment to the parent." The Popcak's example is of attachment through the senses; the result they are going for is "attachment through feelings of love and affection." They caution that it means being a teacher, not a friendl in this, they appeal to the God-given authority of parents, whereas Neufeld would appeal to "natural authority" --- quite obviously the same thing, viewed from a secular vs. a religious perspective.
2. Write it down. Post the house rules to make sure that everyone understands them. The Popcaks say this works because it makes the rules clear, avoiding the child's having to figure out the rules out for himself when he's not developmentally prepared. Though the Popcaks don't articulate it like this, the Catholic connection is obvious: God gave his people commandments before they became able to reason (with the help of the Holy Spirit).
In Neufeld-speak, writing down house rules would provide a compass point; give cues; orient the child; "provide something to hold on to." Because it is a very specific and clear request for obedience, it gives the child an easy way to understand how to attach through loyalty. Furthermore the house rules (being the ones that everyone obeys) show "what we do in this family," fostering belonging.
I'll take the next few together, keeping the Popcaks' numbering scheme:
3. Redirection. "It is not enough to tell a child to stop doing something. We must offer suggestions for what a child may do instead..."
4. Restating. "When children say something in an obnoxious way... [ask] them to rephrase their statement or ask them to repeat a more appropriate phrase that you suggest." Two specific examples are given.
5. Do-overs. Similar to restating but for behavior --- show child how to get what he wants or respond to a situation the right way.
7. Reviewing/rehearsing. Demonstrate expectations ahead of time, and reminding the children of expectations they've already learned, immediately prior to entering a situation (e.g. reviewing the rules on the way to church).
The Popcaks say that these techniques model respect for kids' needs and teach them to come to you for help figuring out what to do. Neufeld would say these are ways to give cues and orient the children.
6. Choices. "...[T]each your children that they are responsible for both the choices they make and the consequences... [P]resent your rules in the form of a choice." To whatever consequences the parent plans to impose, this technique adds the explicit articulation of the child's free will in the matter.
This technique serves as a kind of orientation, too, because it lets the child know exactly what will happen to him in the event that he makes a particular choice. (More on this in another post.)
8. Transitions. The example given is getting a child to leave a friend's house willingly and promptly. The Popcaks say: "[G]ive... five-minute, two-minute, and one-minute reminders... [I]t helps kids adjust slowly to a new thing, and it teaches them to be better stewards of their time."
Neufeld frames this kind of thing completely differently as a passing of the "baton" of a child's attention and orientation from one attachment (the friend, or the friend's mom, or whatever) to another (the parent). After any separation, physical or other, the parent has to take time to "collect" the child --- to reconnect, and to step into the position of "who's taking care of you, who's in charge of you."
Neufeld suggests a few ways of doing so; the Popcaks' suggestion to repeat the time-warnings over several minutes might work in the same way, as the parents re-assert their authority over the child with gentle persistence.
9. Modeling. The Popcaks frame this in terms of the Incarnation: God Himself modeled humanity for us. The example: the father of a nine-year-old opening up to family discussion the stories of his own struggles with a bad attitude, and the two of them learning how to help each other meet life more joyfully.
Their example shows how modeling can go deeper than imitation and reach into Neufeld's deeper categories of attachment through belonging and loyalty, affection, and being known.
10. Use your emotions. The example the Popcaks give is of a mother demonstrating to her frustrated, tantrumming child her own frustration; after this the child "first felt his needs were understood." The idea is to show the child that you have the same kinds of emotions --- so you're able to understand what it's like to have those emotions.
This is clearly a kind of showing your child that he is known and understood.
11. Labeling: pointing out specific virtues when we see them. The Popcaks say this teaches the virtues.
This kind of explicit communcation shows our child that he is known --- in this case, as a virtuous person --- and it also fosters "belonging" to a community that shares a love of the virtues.
12. Storytelling. The Popcaks point out that Jesus taught through parables.
Storytelling is a way of passing on your culture --- and it could involve all of the six means of attachment.
More later.
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