Waffling.

Mary Jane and I are traveling this weekend to attend an out-of-town family wedding.  Mark and the boys will stay here.

After I mentioned my plans to a friend some weeks ago, she asked, "So, do you think Milo will wean while you're gone?"  I stopped mid-sentence --- I hadn't even thought of that possibility. 

Milo's three, and he asks to nurse a lot.  I don't have, never had, a "plan" for how to get him weaned.  I figure he will at some point.  Meanwhile, I don't have a "plan" for how often I ought to be nursing him, either.  I try to be honest about how much I can nurse him and stay positive about it.   I say yes when we're in a place I feel comfortable nursing him and when it's a good time for me to sit down and nurse him and when I'm not feeling irritable about it.  I say no if I can't stand the thought of nursing him or if it's not a good time or if we're out in public.  I'm trying not to say "yes" or "no" automatically without thinking about whether I really want to do it or not.   I find that I'm wanting to say no more and more often. 

Now, I have limits that differ from the ones I had when I was nursing both Oscar and Milo a few years ago.  If you've ever nursed a toddler or older child, maybe you know nursing aversion --- for me it's like a feeling that I'm going to go completely out of my mind if I don't pop this child off the breast RIGHT THIS MINUTE.  My back teeth start to hurt and I begin to hallucinate a clicking noise emanating from deep within my breast with every cycle of the boy's jaw.    At that point I usually do pop him off.  But I can tell I've not been saying "no" often enough to the older child when I start feeling that same nursing aversion for the eight-month-old.  When that happens I know I've got to start listening to my limits (with Milo) more often.

The other day I told Mark:   "That's it.  I am never, ever, ever, ever again going to try to nurse Milo down for a nap.  I'm done."

"Doesn't work, and it annoys the pig?" asked Mark, mixing punchlines from old, well-used jokes.

"Yes.  Or the sow."  It used to be quick and easy:  lie down with Milo on the couch in the late afternoon, nurse him, he'd be out in fifteen minutes for a nice, long nap.  A nap that I looked forward to every day, a little respite from the intensities of mothering a three-year-old.  But that worked less and less often.  Because I hoped he'd nap, I'd try nursing him... and nursing... and nursing... waiting for those eyes to close.  Thirty minutes, forty-five.   The nursing aversion would come and I'd grit my teeth and think about the nap.  The baby would start to cry and I'd be thinking --- just a few more minutes and he might be asleep.   Finally I can't stand it any more, I'd pop him off, he'd cry, the baby'd be crying, and now I can't stand the thought of nursing her either.  Before you know it, we're all crying.

Makes my teeth hurt now, just thinking about it.

OK, so that's not helpful anymore.   No more naps! 

Maybe it sounds like it's time to wean him?  No, I still don't want to pull a cold turkey on the poor kid.  Sometimes, nursing him is still nice.  It's just that it's getting to be nice (for me) less often than it was.  I think the best course is still to say yes when I can really, honestly say "Yes!  I do want to cuddle with you and give you milk!" and no when I can't say that.   Ditching the nursing-down-for-a-nap is part of that.

I'm tempted to start the bribery, ah, substitution.  "Ah, so you really want some milk right now.  Do you ... er... want a Popsicle?"  That sounds bad.  It doesn't have to be Popsicles.  One of Milo's favorite things in the world is oatmeal with butter and brown sugar.  That's better than Popsicles.  I could keep the rice cooker full of hot, buttery, brown-sugary oatmeal all day long.  I could give him all the oatmeal he wants.  Maybe he'd stop asking for milk so much (it's not that I want him to stop entirely --- it just feels like a lot lately) if he could have oatmeal with brown sugar any time he liked. 

Well.  I guess we'll see how things are when I get home from my trip on Sunday.

Comments

[Valerie Tripp]

I have nothing helpful to say, except to let you know that those feelings are oh so familiar to me. :-) And now that I just have the toddler nursing and no baby, I really would like to be done with it all. OK, so maybe down to only once a day would be nice.

Now Cate is potty training and doing so well, I hate to pull a let's-not-nurse-so-much thing on her. I do think it is time though, and I definitely need to set more limits. Either that, or be on me feet more, since she usually asks to nurse the minute my butt hits a chair.

I'll be curious to see how things go for you. Maybe I'll schedule a little trip out of town for myself. ;-)

[CJ]

I left a tandem-nursing 3yo for a few days in '05. He did fine without me and picked right back up nursing when I returned. (He weaned a year later.)

One surprise for me on that trip was that my breasts did not get the memo that we'd be traveling without the 3yo. Every spare minute I was in the hotel bathroom, hand-expressing and dumping it down the sink in an effort to alleviate the pain. My youngest was only a couple of months old, and even with nursing on one side for twelve hours at a time he still got horrible foremilk-hindmilk imbalance from all that extra milk. So if Milo is nursing a lot, think about taking a hand pump!

[Kelly]

Plus, with all that oatmeal, he'll be spending a lot of time in the bathroom. That will also cut down on his nursing. ;)

[CJ]

Update, please! How did it go?