I fielded a question on one of my lists today from a mom who wanted help with her four-year-old's social skills. The situation: a homeschoolers' group that meets weekly in a grassy area. The moms chat and the children play; her son, in that situation, becomes needy, begs her to play with him, shies away from the other children, throws fits, interrupts her and the other mothers constantly and tries to dominate the conversation. Is it normal? All the other kids appear "fine" --- why not him? Should she insist he play with the other children? Should she trust that "this will pass" and try to generously give herself to him for now? Or is that too child-centered? Should she insist on having her conversation uninterrupted?
I remembered this happening some with Oscar too, interrupting adults and wanting to dominate the conversation. I always felt torn because, on the one hand, it is good for a child to participate in conversations with adults, good for developing social skills and vocabulary and for feeling welcome and worthy, but on the other hand, we owe it to the other adults to gently deflect our kids from dominating the conversation. It's a tough balance to strike. I want to model "we don't interrupt" and so interrupting the child seems counterproductive. Gently pulling him aside and reminding him feels better. But it's tricky to do.
I typed a lot of advice before it occurred to me to try to answer the "Why does this happen?" in terms of attachment. The mother had assumed, and so did I at first, that the child's stress came from having to be around so many other children. I realized that the tension might come as much from the presence of other adults, because they are potential attachment figures. His mom is focused on these adults -- maybe it sends a sort of message to his attachment mechanisms that "these adults are important" -- his attachment mechanisms are firing up to get these "important" adults to see him and notice him and form an attachment to him. Perhaps it is a safety mechanism, born, I think, of the expectation that an "important" adult might without warning be the person left momentarily in charge of him. (It happens... "Watch my kids for a minute while I go get something out of my car?")
Viewed in this light the child's reluctance to leave the group of adults, and attempts to be heard by them, seems understandable --- even reasonable.
I suggested she firmly present the choice "You can sit with me quietly while I talk and listen with the other mamas, or you can play." And that she make both of those choices as attractive as possible. For sitting quietly, bringing quiet activities, snacks, etc., and taking a break now and then (without leaving the circle) to read to him, with a murmur in his ear, from a favorite book; for playing, bringing something that he would enjoy (and plenty to share), like a box of beach balls or something along those lines.
I also suggested she give him a chance to meet other people from the group in a lower-pressure setting, perhaps by inviting one mom and her kids for coffee. My first thought was that this might help because it could give him practice playing with other children. But it occurs to me now that it might help, as much or more, because it might forge greater connection with another adult.
And so maybe the first suggestion, about firmly presenting the choice and helping him enjoy either of the choices, though it could help, doesn't really address the root cause of the problem, because it doesn't deal with attachment. Maybe what the child is really seeking is to make a real connection with the adults in the group to feel more secure. I wonder if it would help him if his mom made a point of connecting him briefly to each one --- perhaps by being the first to arrive and then individually greeting each mom in a short conversation that included her son.
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