Commandment the first: Thou shalt have the same number of meals every day, regardless of when thou gettest up in the morning.
Commandment the second: Thou shalt call the first meal of the day breakfast, even if thou eatest it at one p.m.
Commandment the third: Thou shalt call the second meal of the day lunch, even if thou eatest it at four-thirty p.m. after having eaten the first meal at one p.m.
Commandment the fourth: Brunch? I know no brunch.
Commandment the fifth: Thou shalt call the third meal of the day teatime snack, even if thou eatest it past sundown around the dining table with thine family surrounding thee like olive branches, and even if thou hast blest the meal with the lengthy benediction that thou usually reservest for dinner.
Commandment the sixth: Thou shalt call the fourth meal of the day dinner, even if... thou gettest the picture.
Commandment the seventh: Thou shalt call the fifth meal of the day bedtime snack.
Commandment the eighth: If thou attainest the time of going to bed having already managed to consume five meals earlier in the day, thou shalt demand another meal, Commandment the First notwithstanding, to be called "a second bedtime snack."
Commandment the ninth, which is the general case of Commandment the Eighth: If thou attainest the time of going to bed having already eaten n meals earlier in the day, where n is an integer of magnitude five or greater, thou shalt demand a meal to be called the "(n-3)th bedtime snack."
Commandment the tenth: If the number of meals that thou hast eaten by the end of a given day is less than the number that, according to thine own arcane and mickle computations, thou deserveth, thou shalt carry over the difference to the next day.
And thine mother shall roll her eyes and say, "Call it brunch."
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