Gains, pt 2. What's wrong with me.

(If you just got here you might read part 1 first)

Here's the root of my weight problem:  I have an irrational fear of getting hungry.

I tell people this and always someone wants to figure out Now why do you think that is?   Supposedly it is because my parents made me clean my plate (they didn't), or it's because we couldn't afford enough food when I was growing up (rather the opposite), or it's because my mother fed me formula on a schedule (formula yes, schedule no), or it's because I have a yawning emotional hole that I am trying to fill with food (plausible for previous periods in my life but not now).  More likely I think is that it's related to being hypoglycemic from my preteen years until my first pregnancy, though there's kind of a chicken-and-egg problem with that argument.  Frankly, I don't care where it came from.  But there it is.

Consider the evidence:

• I tend to "stock up" at meals by eating extra.  I catch myself explicitly thinking, "I'd better eat more now so I won't get hungry later."  
• There are certain foods that I eat compulsively if they are just sitting around as leftovers, even if they don't taste very good to me. Never sweets, always carbohydrates, great for packing in as many calories as possible in a short period of time.  White rice; plain pasta; tortilla chips; dry cereal; white bread; pizza; saltine crackers.  I can still eat a whole sleeve of saltine crackers, no problem.  (No wonder going low carb helped me.  Eliminating these things from my house was a good thing.)  
• I rely on external cues to tell me how much to eat.  If people around me are eating, I do too.  If there's still food on the table, I have another helping.  If something will be thrown out if I don't eat it, I eat some.
• I get very antsy on road trips as mealtime approaches, if we haven't yet planned when and where we're going to stop for the next meal. 
• I get irrationally irritated when I'm over at someone's house for dinner and dinner is delayed for some reason.  I have to squelch the urge to keep asking, "So, when's dinner going to be ready?"   I mean, I know it makes me a terrible guest, so I do my best, but it's really hard!
• My friends who dine with me regularly will tell you that whenever I am responsible for feeding a crowd, I am very preoccupied with there being "enough" food. Either I make too much, or I start apologizing for it the minute people arrive. "Erin!  Chill out!  If we get hungry we'll make some sandwiches!"  Doesn't matter.  Hostess anxiety is my lot in life.
• Oh, and then there's this recurring dream I keep having where someone gives me piles and piles of food and I know that I have to eat it.  The menu, the reason I have to eat the stuff, and the setting varies (buffet restaurant; friend's house; interview luncheon), but the theme is always there.  I have had this dream for as long as I can remember, maybe five or six times a year. 

Ready to psychoanalyze me yet?  Look, you can call it "gluttony" if you want.  I won't shy away from that term.  It is a self-centered way to be, I'm tired of it, and I'd be a better person if I overcame it.

I think there's two basic approaches to this problem.  I don't see any reason why they can't be applied simultaneously.

#1 Get over the fear (and maybe some of the self-centeredness that goes with it) of being hungry

#2 Find ways to soothe the fear of hunger that don't involve pre-emptive stuffing

  

Part of the reason it's working, I'm convinced, is that I've sort of accidentally solved problem #2, or at least I've found a couple of strategies that work, surprisingly well.  And I'm organizing everything I do around #1:  getting used to the idea that Hungry Is OK.  

More later.

(Part 3)

Comments

[Amber]

"If something will be thrown out if I don't eat it, I eat some."

I have a huge problem with this one - and I think it really plays a part in why I gained so much weight with this pregnancy, because my eating was really quite good except for this issue. I remembered reading at some point awhile ago someone's advice about this though. When faced with this situation, she would tell herself that "she is not a garbage can". I remembered about this recently and it has helped. Also having a worm bin helps with this too, because at least I feel like some good is coming from disposing of the food, even if it isn't being eaten!

It is great that you're figuring this stuff out though - this should really be something that could have an enormous life long impact. (and perhaps a long life impact too... sorry, couldn't resist!)

[bearing]

"I am not a compost bin/garbage can" -- hm, I like that.

[mrsdarwin]

I hate to see food go to waste, so if the kids leave food on their plates I will mindlessly eat it. Also, I tend to eat too quickly and too much at meals -- probably a legacy of being part of a large family where if you didn't eat as much as you could quickly you were out of luck, because your brother would grab the last helping.

We even have a compost heap (of sorts) and although I throw out scraps when I'm preparing food, I hadn't thought to scrape plates onto it. New horizons in waste management!

[Margaret in Minnesota]

Now I know that you are not only a friend of the heart but also of the stomach! There is so much I can relate to in this series of posts, so many head-nodding moments.

I, too, need to be okay with being hungry.

And I, too, have had to tell myself, "I am not a garbage can!" when feeling tempted to scrape that left-over mac-n-cheese into my mouth.

Overcoming years and years and YEARS of bad eating habits is not easy. Thank you for taking this one on in your ever-smart and honest way.

Hi to the kids,

Mrs. B.

PS. Milo got annoyed at me during CVBS when I told him--gently--that my name was Mrs. B. "No," he insisted, "Your name is 'Margaret'!"

[bearing]

Oh goodness! Sounds like him.

[MelanieB]

Just found this post via Amy and had to comment. Preemptive eating I never had a problem with until pregnancy. But my first trimesters are fraught with nausea and I do find preemptive eating helps to control nausea. I start to feel queasy when I get hungry or tired and eating a little before I get tired helps to prevent nausea. But I have found that the fear of being hungry continues into the second and third trimesters and even in the postpartum period and I keep eating more than I need, packing extra food for even short car trips and the like and generally eating more than I need and gaining more than I should. I've just not figured out how to flip that mentality off when it is no longer a useful tool in nausea management and so though I'd never had weight issues pre-pregnancy I now struggle to find healthier ways to eat.

Thanks for these interesting post, it is helping me to gain some needed perspective.