Whew. It's not done, for sure. I've only been at this for six weeks or so. Probably some crisis will come that will test me. Who knows how I will do then? But I think I really am learning.
This time around, I make a point not to try to fool myself or fill myself up with water or broth or fiber capsules or fat-free popcorn or raw plain cabbage or any other thing that's supposed to keep you from getting hungry. I am trying to embrace hungry. Like any other kind of phobia therapy, I'm shooting for controlled exposure to the thing I fear. I'm getting hungry on purpose. I'm seeing that it doesn't kill me.
I guess the first step was to get hungry on purpose, in a way that felt "safe." I carefully planned and meausred all my meals and snacks, keeping within a certain calorie range that was much lower than what I had been consuming. Low enough, anyway, that I got hungry. I really did. But it wasn't too scary, because I always knew exactly when I was going to have my next snack or meal, and exactly what I was going to have. I'm hungry, but it's okay, because in 45 minutes I'm going to eat 15 almonds, and then I won't be hungry until lunch.
It took a while before I really started to believe myself! But it was true, and it keeps being true. It is okay. (Even better, the almonds are very tasty if you are hungry when you eat them. I didn't think I liked almonds, but it turns out they are nice.)
The next step was to start noticing the hunger, and noticing that I'm okay. I tried to remember to check in with myself as often as possible. How do I feel? Does my stomach feel empty? Full? Somewhere in between? And how am I? Am I worried, tired? Thirsty? Can I wait till snack time? Would it be a good idea to have that snack now, and then wait longer till lunch? I'll wait fifteen more minutes and see how I feel then.
(UPDATE. Aren't you glad I don't use Twitter?)
I started to back off on the pre-planning and pre-measuring, then, at least at dinnertime. I started trying other little tricks. Like eating a full portion of salad or plain vegetables before putting a serving of meat or pasta on my plate (along with more vegetables). Sticking religiously to one serving of the non-plain-veg at dinner. And each time I finished something and thought about maybe having more, sitting, waiting, practicing noticing... knowing that it takes a few minutes for that satiety to kick in, waiting to see if it does. You know what? That hunger signal is replaced by a "full enough" signal, sometimes, if you know what you're looking for.
Then, when my confidence was growing and I felt I could make my decisions from a place of power (I know it's psychobabble sounding words, but it does describe how I feel remarkably well), I started to have some fun with it. I started experiencing having a reasonable amount of things I like.
I went to restaurants.
I took the kids out to breakfast the other day. In my low-carb days I would have ordered, like, a three-egg cheese-and-spinach omelet and a whole lot of hollandaise sauce. Hold the toast, hold the potatoes. Instead, I ordered a veggie eggs Benedict (split English muffin, roasted mixed vegetables, 2 poached eggs), with the hollandaise on the side. Hold the potatoes, because I know better. I took one half apart. The veggies went on my other half, and then I gave half the muffin and one of the eggs to Mary Jane. I put about a tablespoon of the holly on top and so I had a half-Benedict with light holly and extra veggies (and MJ had a breakfast she liked too). That's not too bad! I calculated about 350 calories. Totally reasonable. Balanced. And very satisfying, one of my very favorite breakfasts, off limits for such a long time.
You remember I went to Chicago a few weeks ago? That I ate in nice restaurants all by myself? It was a special occasion, and I told myself I would eat anything I liked, but that I would not eat all of it. I did it! At one Italian restaurant I ordered the appetizer of roasted-mussels-in-sauce-diavolo and left two of the mussels (the ones that didn't open, ha ha!) and did not soak up the leftover sauce with chunks of bread. I asked for, and got, a half-portion of the pasta course I wanted, the oxtail ravioli in rich reduction broth, and I left a bit of pasta and broth in the bottom of my bowl. I ordered dessert, the rice-pudding tart, and I ate about four bites of it and left more than half of it on my plate. (I admit: I did drink all of my champagne. I had something to celebrate!)
When I look at restaurant menus now, I have a completely different strategy from the one I had as a low-carber. Then, the solution to practically every restaurant was green salad with meat on top. I still like this kind of meal, and at some restaurants, like McDonald's, it's still the best choice. But at other restaurants it's not. I took the kids to Chili's the other day. Have you ever seen the "green salad with meat on top" at a place like Chili's, or Applebee's, or TGIFriday's? It's gigantic! It comes, like, on a serving platter. It is a cilantro-lime-vinaigrette-soaked mountain. Topped with MEAT! So, um, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle anymore, because my lifestyle is not about lots and lots of "the right food," it's about small amounts of normal food. Now I look for something that's going to be small. I ordered a side salad and a bowl of soup. It was more than I needed, and I probably liked it better than I would've enjoyed the Hill O'Greens'N'Meat. A second time I ordered the "guiltless grilled chicken sandwich," which comes with veggies and black beans, and I gave half the sandwich to MJ. (Unexpected bonus: When I eat like this, I get the youngest child's meal for free!)
I'm eating at restaurants a lot, right now while I'm feeling confident and able to make good choices. I'm getting into the new habits. I'm trying to get used to seeing less food and eating less food, being okay with letting the extra go to waste if I can't feed it to the kids. It feels great.
Next post: Looking into the future.
(Part 6)
You are an inspiration. Thank you.
Posted by: let me be anonymous | 17 July 2008 at 03:23 PM