Gains, the final part. The future?

(Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

So how is this going to end?

There's something unsettling this kind of doing things.  Because it really isn't supposed to stop, is it?

With low-fat and low-carb diets, I could always tell myself I would get to "stop" at some point (though I never got there because either I didn't lose any weight, or I got pregnant and had to stop dieting for that reason).  

Not now.   Before this May, I now know, I was simply eating too damn much food.  If I "stop dieting," and go back to the old way, the weight will come back.  The thing is to do this for the rest of my life.  Perhaps I'll get well enough familiar with portion sizes that I'll be able to stop measuring everything; but there's no way to get around the need to keep making sure I keep feeling a little bit hungry, before my breakfast, before my lunch, before my supper, for the rest of my life.

Can I?  Will I?

Will I keep getting hungry between meals, ever?  Will I never eat an entire pizza?  Will I always ask for the half portion?  Will I forget about ever filling up on bread, ever again?  Will I roll over in bed when my stomach growls at 3 a.m., saving that appetite for breakfast?  Will I throw out the kids' sandwich crusts?  Will it start to feel wonderful, instead of worrying, to believe that the eating-till-I'm-stuffed is over? 

And what will I do when this streak comes to an end? When the scale stops going down, will I find another hit of motivation every day, to keep myself from reverting to gluttony?  Or without that little bit of feedback, will I start thinking I can blow it a little bit here, a little bit there... and get back where I was?

After all, since I'm not planning to waste away to nothing, there are three ways out of this:

• I might reach the middle of the "healthy" BMI range.  (still sounds pretty unbelievable -- there's 19 pounds to go) and I might have to experiment with how much food to eat to maintain that weight.
• The weight loss might slow and stop, since my leaner body needs fewer calories, and I might decide I'm comfortable enough where I am at that stable food intake.
• I might get pregnant.  

 I have to be careful about the way I think about that last one.  I hope to have another baby, not that far in the future.  But I catch myself with mixed feelings about it now.  Pregnancy so far has meant pressing the "reset" button.  When my first baby was 6 months old, I weighed 156 pounds.  When my second baby was 6 months old, I weighed 156 pounds.  When my third baby was 6 months old, I weighed 156 pounds.  See?  Reset.

Wrong-headed thinking?  Plenty.  "Why bother with the work to lose all this weight; I'm just going to weigh 156 at the end of my next pregnancy AGAIN."  

(Answer:  Because even a few months at this weight is a few months when I don't put extra strain on my heart, my pancreas, my arteries)

(Answer:  Because if I start out leaner, and eat the right foods, maybe I'll gain less weight and have a healthier pregnancy)

(Answer:  Because I've learned that I can get hungry without freaking out; I've learned that I don't die if I don't have second helpings of everything; I've learned how to eat the right amounts in all kinds of situations; and maybe I'll keep those habits)

The other kind of wrong-headed thinking is this:  "Maybe it's not worth it to have another child.  Maybe it'd be more fun to stay thin.  Maybe it's worth it not to try, because what if I never manage to lose this weight again?  What if I can't summon the willpower to eat for one again after I've spent months eating for two?  No, better never go off the wagon, because I might never make it back on again."

(Answer:  Deep down, I know it's not the right reason.  I have reason to believe I can lose the weight again, even if I weigh 156 six month after a hypothetical #4, because I've done it after #3.  And I know I'd regret never trying for another child.)

So... There's still mental work to be done, and an "end" to find.  For now, I can concentrate on one goal at a time, even though I only have a few goals left.  The next one, for now, is the top of the "healthy" BMI range, which not too long ago was 33 pounds away, and now it's only 4.  I guess I'll worry about what's next when I see what's next.  Whichever way it ends.

Comments

[Sandy]

If it's any consolation, I have also had three children. With the first two all the weight came off from nursing over about 6-12 months with no specific diet plan (although I try to eat sensibly). It was only the last one, where I was overweight before pregnancy, that I had to actively work at it to lose the weight. Maybe your 4th at a healthy weight might mimic my experience with the first two.

[bearing]

Boy, that would be nice. Timing is everything, I guess, but I was just telling my husband this morning that I hope I can have the experience of maintaining at the goal weight for at least several weeks, just so I know what it's like, before we conceive again.

I may have mentioned that I'm not allowed to have babies during ski season (this is only half joking), so there's a certain window of opportunity that has to be hit here.

[Amy F]

Your thoughts on being hungry really struck something with me. I couldn't remember the last time I felt hungry. Over the past few days, I've made an effort to drink water when I feel an itchy need to put something in my mouth and wait until I'm actually hungry to have any snacks. It hasn't been perfect because there was a family wedding and special circumstances, but I am definitely eating less and getting a proper amount of water for a change.

Thanks also for clarifying your height -- seeing numbers in the 120's is sort of jarring otherwise.

I'm 2 years postpartum with my second child and lost all the weight within a few months (I was at a better prepregancy weight than I had been with #1), but have since gone up to my highest non-pregnant weight. This is the first time in 5 years I haven't been pregnant or nursing more than a couple times a day and I'd still been eating like I had a newborn. I thought weight would drop with the extra activity of summer, but your posts lately gave me the kick to realize that I need to stop eating so much. I've also started seeing a physical therapist to work on the diastasis recti 2 babies in 2 years gave me. I figure that at this point, if I'm avoiding a third conception, I should actively be working to correct the things I need to fix instead of just whining about them.

[Rose]

Thank you for this series of posts! I'm struggling with this issue at the moment an you've brought clarity to a bunch of aspects to address. Best of luck

[Tanya]

I'm reading your whole series for a second time. The first was 6 weeks ago and was part of a 10 pound drop in weight. I stumbled in the past week and have had a hard time righting myself. So I'm re-reading and feeling stronger already. Being okay with hunger is so important, that's where I've fallen, and it's triggered by sugar/refined carbs in my case. I get bingy and irrational. Anyhow, thank you.

[bearing]

Thanks for the kind words, Tanya. I'm always really pleased to hear that long after I've written this stuff, it's still resonating with people. Heck, I go back and re-read it a lot myself.