bearing blog

107.8.

The first measurement below my target.

Yes, it's necessary.  My target weight range is between 106.8 and 109.2;  as I've said, I want my weight to fluctuate around 108, not above it.   My 5-day running average still has not reached 108, though.

Weight-maintenance experts -- see Thin For Life by Anne Fletcher and Refuse to Regain by Barbara Berkeley -- recommend setting an upper maintenance limit (Berkeley calls it the Scream Weight) a few pounds above your target; if you see that number on the scale, you must act immediately to reverse the gain.

Mark, who occasionally has to design process controls for a living, took a look at the normal variation in my weight measurements and based on his statistical analysis, suggested a whole set of triggers.  I am supposed to immediately start weight loss mode if I see:

Rule 1.  One scale reading above 111.6 

Rule 2.  Two out of three consecutive readings above 110.4

Rule 3.  Four out of five consecutive readings above 109.2

Rule 4.  Seven in a row above the target of 108

By the way, the rules are symmetrical.  I'm also supposed to enter "weight gain" mode -- whatever THAT looks like -- if I have one scale reading below 104.4, or two out of three below 105.6, and so on.  I am not too worried about this happening, but you never know.  So there you go, everyone who is worried I will become anorexic.  I have a plan to avoid that, just in case.

Manolo for me!

OK, I love reading Manolo the Shoeblogger because he's funny and erudite.

Very rarely do I react viscerally to the shoes.

But OMG these, recommended today for folks on their feet all day, are so me.  I want them.  (Has the Manolo ever recommended the Doc Martens before today?  And is there a rule that when one links to the Manolo, one must lapse into the excess of the definite article that characterizes the writing style of the Manolo?)

In the name of all that is decent and holy, what have I become?

Immutable humanity.

Great post by John Scalzi:  technology changes, but people don't really change.

Lots of technology has come and gone during the decade and a half between 1994 and now, but the belief that the transformational nature of technology has created a generation that other generations don’t quite get has apparently remained constant. Which is, of course, to my larger point: Technology changes, but people really don’t...

What’s on exhibit here is precisely what was on exhibit in the asg-x newsgroup in 1994, and was almost certainly on exhibit in similarly then-technologically-advanced media in whatever era you might choose to look at: A communal myth of generational exceptionalism: the belief (or at least a strong suspicion) that one’s social and technological accouterments, and how one uses them, signal a wholesale break from previous generations, and that one’s generation is therefore quite obviously unique and special.

But if there’s any benefit to getting older, it’s realizing just what absolute crap this sort of thinking actually is. Technology changes, social trends change, hairstyles change, but people – the actual human animals inside all that technology, sociology and tonsorial grooming — are the same as they have been for thousands of years. Grab a time machine, go back to ancient Egypt, and swap an infant there with an infant from today, and in twenty years you’ll likely find two people perfectly well integrated into their cultures because there is no difference in the human animal between now and then. Even within generations (which are an artificial construct in themselves, but never mind that now) there’s enough variation to drive you a little batty: The same generation that gave us the hippies went for Nixon in 1972, and that same generation gave us both Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. Go figure.

Don't buy into the idea that our generation is different from their generation or from the kids'.  We are used to different stuff, that's all.

The power of routine, or, is it a good or bad idea to be flexible?

One thing I'm discovering is that I screw up -- eat too much -- far more easily when I'm deviating from my usual schedule.

I realize it very quickly these days.  Now that I'm out of "practice," I feel uncomfortably full just a few minutes after overdoing it.  

This happened to me today.  Usually, I have breakfast when I wake, lunch at 12:30, and dinner at 6 or 6:30; I usually don't eat solid food after dinner's over, except maybe a piece of chocolate.  On Thursdays, the kids have swimming lessons from 6 to 6:40, so that's our Family Gym Night.  On Thursdays we have dinner around 7:15.  I have a midafternoon snack, and I get dinner ready in advance so I don't nibble while preparing it, and usually there's no problem.

For a couple of reasons, tonight Mark and I decided I should feed the kids and myself an early dinner BEFORE meeting him at the gym for swimming.  I made scrambled eggs and ham and toast for them.  And I ate... OK, you're going to think this is weird, but I ate an entire package of Brussels sprouts.  So far so good, but then I went on and had some of the ham and eggs and  toast too, and also some leftover rice noodles, and ... what was I thinking?  Right NOW I am thinking "ooooff I feel so full."  But what was going on with that?  

A mess of stuff.  I skipped the 3:30  snack because I was going to eat dinner at five or so, an hour early.  And then by the time 4:15 rolled around, I wasn't HUNGRY exactly, but I started to want to eat.  I was cold, for one thing.  I am cold all the time now, I guess for want of insulation.  And the thought of eating something hot started to consume me.  So I started cooking the Brussels sprouts.  And then the eggs.  And then the eggs were done before the sprouts.  And then the kids didn't finish the eggs.  And then they left a bunch of toast on their plates.  And I started thinking, "Gosh, if I don't eat extra now, I'll be pretty hungry later, seeing as how I never eat a bedtime snack anymore!"  (Mental note:  Beware, beware of the "I'd better eat more now so I'm not hungry later" line of thought.  It is evil.)  I don't know.  Somewhere in there came the thought that I should eat some chocolate to send a signal to myself that my dinner was done.  Somehow I decided I needed to send that signal a couple of times.   

I'm OK now.  I have a cup of coffee in front of me.  And I have to leave for swimming soon.  And I feel alarmingly full.  And I know, I just know, that I would not have done this -- basically a binge, which is only sort of redeemed by the fact that it's mostly Brussels sprouts by weight -- if I had planned on eating dinner after swimming as usual.

This all underscores to me that even though I am not overweight anymore, I still have a problem.  Euphemisms, sheesh.  I have an unhealthy attachment to food and to being unhungry.  I have developed a lot of coping strategies, and I can't let go of them, at least not yet.   One of those strategies is, more or less, a strict schedule for my meals and snacks.  I have seen that I change it at my peril.  

It comes on top of a recent conversation I had with Mark.  He thinks I should start being more flexible. Especially with regard to exercise.  I still refuse to miss a swimming workout.  I still swim every Monday and every Thursday.  When our pool was closed for repairs over the summer, I drove across town to another one, even if it seriously messed up our family's schedule.  I am already making plans to drive 20 minutes into town from my in-laws' so that I can swim at the Y near their house when we stay with them later.  He wants me to quit swimming so much and take up something more portable, like running, that I can do even if swimming becomes unworkable on a particular day.

He has a point.  I am not ready, though, to change my routines.  I lost the weight by doing what I have been doing.  I don't want to do something else.  Mark thinks it's time for me to move on.   He has been fantastically supportive, and has never complained about the stresses I put on our family with my workouts and the scheduling of meals -- at least not until now.   I know from experience that I can change my routines, but I also know from experience that I have to change them slowly, experiment with them, see what works -- not just jump from one to the other.  Safe "flexibility" is a carefully curated toolbox of strategies, each proven to work in different situations.  I have had time to develop only a few.  This is going to take me years.

I think he looks at me and sees someone who has solved her weight problem.  But I am me, and I know what I am, and I am not someone who has solved her weight problem.  I am a person who still lives with it, because my "problem" is the cause, not the symptom; the weight is gone, but I have the same biochemistry, the same psychology, I always have.  I am not stable here.  I am not robust.  I am a recovering obese person, and maybe always will be.   

Licorice. And a tea link.

I love licorice.  If my kids buy a bag of jelly beans or spice drops, I'm sure to hover over, begging for all the black ones.  (Purple too, if it's clove flavor.)  I don't keep a lot of candy around for myself, and am trying to develop a  taste for the obligatory Daily Square of Dark Chocolate that is supposed to be my antioxidant-packed sweet-tooth indulgence; but every once in a while, black licorice calls out to me. 

 Lately I can't get the idea of eating an entire bag of black gumdrops out of my mind.  So I got a little bag of Hershey's boutique licorice at Target and have been allowing myself ONE after dinner, leaving the dark chocolate to Mark.  (Believe me, sticking to one is a good idea.  I have a fighting chance of stopping after one.  I count licorice as prehistoric people are said to have counted:  "one, two, many.")  I can report that it is very nice licorice, but I am still unsatisfied.

I think it's time for me to investigate other sources of licorice flavor, like xylitol gum or herb tea or flavored black tea.

By the way, the two tea links go to TeaSource, a St. Paul tea merchant that I totally recommend.  Check out the herbal teas -- especially Margaret's Soother (peppermint, clove, and licorice!) and Evening in Missoula, which are two of my favorites.  If you need a random emergency gift to take home with you for Christmas, just in case you forgot somebody, it's hard to go wrong with a packet or two of boutique herb tea.

Commitment.

Today I gave away a bunch of clothes in sizes 10 and 12 -- including some of the GOOD clothes!   the stuff I love(d) to wear!  My red Patagonia hiking skirt I bought just last year!  My warm wool pants!  My classic black turtleneck I've worn since I was in high school!  Also the cream one (and how the heck did it last so long without coffee stains?!  Charmed, I tell you!)  

I gave them to a friend who has also been losing weight, and so has the same "problem" I do of not enough clothes.  

Oo, that was hard to do!  But you know what, they don't fit anymore.  That's that.

Now, let's see... am I ready to get my wedding ring re-sized?  I guess that's better than losing it, but it feels like a really big step.

Depressing funerals.

Fr. Z. at What does the Prayer Really Say?  has an important post reacting to a newspaper story that described a "celebratory" funeral Mass for a Cincinnati-area priest.

Catholic funerals have gone the way of Catholic weddings:  People have certain expectations of what a "funeral" should be like, and these days a funeral is supposed to be a celebration of the life of the deceased.  That's the way that TV funerals have gone, and that's the way that design-your-own funerals have gone.  

As usual, the way we Catholics do it -- or at least the way we are supposed to do it -- clashes with the fashions of the day.

 - A funeral Mass is still a Mass.  As such, its purpose is not to celebrate the life of the deceased.  We have a means to celebrate the life of the deceased.  It is called a "wake."  It happens BEFORE the funeral.  

 - It is not okay to assume that the deceased is already in heaven.  By all means let's hope he or she has made it there, no matter what we know or don't know about how the deceased spent his or her life/last moments.   But (a) let's not give the impression, by saying "he's in heaven now" about everybody who dies no matter what, that everybody will be in heaven after he dies no matter what; (b) let's not forget to pray for the repose of the soul of the deceased.  We believe it makes a difference.

Does this come from the wider American Protestant culture, in which praying for the dead is frowned upon (not exactly sure why -- maybe I've got a reader who can explain it)?  Or is it just a kind of politeness?  ("If we suggested that we should pray for the repose of his/her soul, we'd be telling the family that we think the deceased is not exactly a saint.  Better just smile and say "He's in a better place now.")  Or does it come from the expectations created by movies and TV shows, just as people are sometimes surprised not  to hear "speak now or forever hold your peace" or "you may now kiss the bride" or Mendelssohn's Wedding March at real Catholic weddings?

Fr. Z's post reminded me that when we pray for "the poor souls in Purgatory who have no one to pray for them," these days, we might well be praying for people who had hundreds of mourners at their funerals.

Sheesh.  Hey everyone:  If I die suddenly, let's do the black vestments, the requiem, the whole shebang.  Get me a month of Gregorian masses!  And don't forget I'll need all the help (prayers) I can get.

More roasted veg.

Christy emailed me this link to a recipe of roasted broccoli with lemon and pecorino romano.  Looks great!  And more holiday-worthy than my Plain Potluck Veg.  I think this is what I will bring to Grandma's next week.

Remorse.

Why?  Why did I make blondies for the kids' tea time?  Why? Why?

UPDATE:  Resolve:  One, not  two, slices of pizza for dinner tonight.

The scale.

108.2, 108.0, 108.8, 108.4, 109.6   --> 108.6

Weight-control pundits don't agree on whether it's a good idea for a loser like me to step on the scale every day.   Warnings against it are more common (google "weigh yourself every day" and see what comes up).  I suspect that those who warn against it don't have a good grasp of normal variation.  It's disturbingly common to read in mainstream articles quotes from "experts" who basically say,

"Research shows that people who weigh themselves daily are more likely to keep the weight off.  But don't do it, because the numbers!  they will go up and down! and make you feel bad!  and confuse you!  and we all know it's unhealthy to be obsessed with numbers!  so don't do it!  Even though research shows that people who weigh themselves daily are more likely to keep the weight off."

I'm even more annoyed by the statement that "Because your weight goes up and down, you get a more accurate picture of your weight by weighing less often."  Hello!  It depends on your sampling frequency!  Taking fewer samples will not give you a "more accurate" picture.  It just won't muddle your pretty little head, apparently.

Research does show that daily weighings are associated with successful weight maintenance.  Too, I think it's a good idea to know what the normal variation is.   Because I've seen how much my weight can vary from day to day -- and I've also had a few days where I've stepped on the scale every hour, just to see how it changes through a day (interesting experiment, try it some time) -- I'm not startled by, for example, the difference between 109.6 this morning and 108.0 three days ago.  It really is part of the normal variation.

It is also a reminder that I have about one more pound to lose, because I want it to be bouncing around 108.0, not above 108.0.  As exciting as it was to see 108.0 on the scale a few days ago, that is not "my weight."  "My weight" is a running average of five days.   Still, I announced "the last three pounds" only a bit more than a week ago, so progress is being made.

I find that I can keep up the strict habits for about three days straight and then I indulge in something -- three pieces of toast at breakfast, for example, or syrup on my waffles, or a bagel left over from the children's bedtime snack -- and the next couple of days I notice an uptick.  I steel myself, boil an egg, and dive into another three days of paying close attention. 

Well, even though today's breakfast was blueberry-topped walnut waffles and homemade whole-milk yogurt, and even though dinner is pizza, today will be a stricter day.  I'm also going to experiment with skipping the midmorning snack, or maybe having a snack signifier of three almonds, to see if the heartier-than-usual breakfast carries me comfortably through to lunch.