Needs: Induced exercise, part 4.

(Parts 1 2 3)

Imagine you are single.  You are, in this scenario, a not-terribly-fit person who gets some exercise --- once in a while---and enjoys it somewhat.

Now imagine you get married, to a very fit, very active person who exercises vigorously most days and enjoys several strenuous sports.  

Your new spouse says:  "It's my dream that someday we'll spend lots of time enjoying an active life together."

You say:  "Great!  I love togetherness too.  That's why I want us to do all our exercising together.  You'll have to quit doing all the stuff that makes me too nervous to even think about -- no more extreme sports, for sure.  And of course when we go out running, you'll have to go slow enough that I can keep up.  And if I get tired, we'll go home right away.  Deal?"

  *  *  *

Maybe, if exceptionally generous and exceptionally patient and exceptionally persuasive, the active spouse could agree to such a thing, reasoning that once the two of them are out on the trail or on bikes or whatever, a little push here, a little encouragement there, and eventually the more sedentary spouse will be able to catch up some -- go a little faster, last a little longer, and maybe some day the dream will be realized and they'll both be living an active life, side by side.

More likely, agreeing to such an arrangement would be ... the end of that person's very active, physically fit lifestyle.  It would be settling for something less.  Less than what's wanted; and maybe even less than what's really needed to stay healthy and strong.

It would be foolish to assume otherwise.

*  *  *

But it's not far from the arrangement that many parents, especially women, tacitly agree to when the children come along.

Unless we are exceptionally creative or lucky, we are almost always forced to choose between family togetherness and exercise that meets our own needs.

Sure, we can envision a life in which we stay with our children, or our children come along with us, and everybody gets lots of physical activity all day long.  For a while it seems to work.  We put the baby in the sling and walk to the grocery store and back, or we take the jogging stroller and go for a spin around the lake.  We go to the playground and climb on the monkey bars with the little guy.  

Then the second child comes along.  The first child likes to walk, but... not very fast, and stops to look at every bug along the way.  The walk to the grocery store, once a swift jaunt with a bouncing baby on the back, becomes a maelstrom of speeding cars and crosswalks and dodging bicyclists, and all our attention has shifted; we can't feel our heels pounding the pavement, we have to pay attention to how close the kiddoes are getting to the curb up ahead.  Three kids now?  The jogging stroller isn't big enough, and the oldest can't make it all the way around the lake without whining.  When you climb on the monkey bars you can only see one kid at a time.  You could maybe walk around the playground, but you heard last week that somebody called the cops on a mom who went to get her cell phone out of her car and left the kids unattended for five minutes.  

Someday they'll be old enough for you all to get a really good workout, together.  Someday you'll be able to share it all with your kids.  You go for long slow hikes together, admiring wildflowers and looking for butterflies, and you know it's good, you're teaching them to go longer and move faster, and also to love being outdoors... but you wish you could really be moving.

 *  *  *

This is a reality check.  Kids need their mothers;  mothers are adults who need a certain amount of  vigorous exercise, or else a great deal of moderate exercise.   In most of our neighborhoods, most of our schedules, these things are in conflict.  Doing stuff with the kids isn't enough.  It'll take the time:  to walk on the treadmill for thirty minutes uninterrupted, to head off to the gym and leave the kids in the child care, to serve cold cuts for dinner to save time for a workout later, to get through an entire yoga session with the mental freedom to concentrate on the sensations in muscles and joints and not on did I hear the baby just wake up?  

If Mom decides to make it a priority to give herself the exercise she needs, there's less "Mom" to go around. 

* * *

This is different from fixing the overeating problem.  In overeating, one ought to take less for oneself.  One sacrifices, leaves more for everyone else.   It is so easy to see that this is right and good.

With getting more exercise, one must take MORE for oneself.

This is a barrier for a lot of us.

* * *

Some of us are the kind who always take care of everybody else before ourselves.   It's truly difficult to speak up and to say "I am going to do this because it meets my needs."

Others are the kind who have difficulty asking for help from others.  It's hard to ask a friend to watch the kids, or maybe even to ask a spouse.   It would be a kind of admission that you can't do everything all by yourself.

And some of us (ME) never have trouble doing things for ourselves, but "I need to be there for the kids" pops up as a convenient mental excuse NOT to do something that sounds difficult.   

(Let's put it this way.  About a third of the way into every swimming workout, a little mental voice pops up that says "You should cut your workout short today.  The kids are stuck in the child care and there are so many things you should be doing at home..."  This voice never pops up when I am out having my Saturday morning coffee and newspaper.   It only pops up when my muscles start to get tired.)

 * * *

I'm not saying that every mom should find some way to ditch the kids three times a week so you can concentrate on getting more exercise.

You've got to decide whether you can take yourself away from your family for that time.  Whether you should.  It's your family.  You know your situation.  I don't.

But I'd like to argue two things:  first, more of us ought to take that time for ourselves than actually do.

Second, that whether you do it or not, you ought to be aware of the choice you're making.  If getting enough exercise to meet your own adult body's needs never becomes a high priority, you will rarely if ever do it.  

Accept it, and make your choice.

Comments

[mrsdarwin]

It's helpful for me to remember that the time I'm taking for myself isn't just luxury time (though mothers need some of that as well), but time that will help me to be a healthier person and a better mother and wife.

[Kelly]

I really fall into this boat. I live in a small town with no YMCA or other affordable gym.

I have enough children that I can't take a walk around the neighborhood, because we go so slooowllly that I'd never break a mile an hour. Nor is it safe to leave the children alone in the house to go and walk.

Of course, there is getting up earlier, or walking in the evening, but those are not my best times for being motivated enough to actually exercise.

My husband loves playing videogames, and he bought a Wii fit a few months ago. I was initially looking at it as yet another waste of money, but I have to say, my exercise has become very regular since we got it. I can work out during nap time, which is my best motivated time. I can start and stop if there are interruptions. It keeps a log, and weight chart so I see my progress. I especially like a feature which allows me to do step or jogging while watching tv or reading. I often do a half an our of step in the evening, in addition to my normal half hour of aerobic and strength training at nap time.

Of course, none of it is as high energy as I'd get jogging or working out in a real gym, but since I'm actually doing low impact exercise regularly now, instead of thinking about doing high impact, I'm really happy with it.