Revelation on the gluttony front.

A little more than three months after reaching goal, I'm still developing and strengthening skills I need to maintain my weight.  Lately, though not at every meal, I've been concentrating on sitting down, eating slowly, and trying to really taste every bite I put in my mouth.  

This is more difficult than you'd think.  Even though it's immediately obvious that I really do enjoy my food more.  Even though I am more satisfied by them.  Even though I'm less tolerant of low-quality food (say, a cheap grocery-store doughnut) and am more likely to get up and throw the junk away, maybe replacing it with something nicer, or maybe just doing without.  

Why did I get in the habit of plowing so fast through my food in the first place?  Surely that I'm busy and have to do other stuff, surely that's one reason.  But as I considered the question it became clear that I must actually derive some pleasure from, well, stuffing a mouth-filling bite of food into my mouth, swallowing it only partly chewed, taking a brief gasp of air, and then stuffing another large bite.  One after another, fast, full, large.  The sensation is not so much one of taste as it is of volume.  Big bites, big food, big meal.  From this there comes a rush.

I can almost feel the rush as I type this and remember what it's like.  There is some fix I get about having LOTS and eating it FAST.  It feels good, on its own.  It is comforting because it the feeling of having PLENTY.   It is soothing, releases some brain-numbing soma, just the fact of stuffing.  It doesn't matter what food it is, whether it is a vending-machine bologna sandwich or a crispy Maryland crab cake on a bed of organic greens, the stuffing-my-face fix feels the same.   And, of course, if you're busy seeking the stuffing-your-face sensation, the flavor doesn't matter.  It is hard to notice flavor when you are simply biting, chewing, swallowing as fast as you can.

And yet there is a desire to do it.  A desire to take a BIG bite of the cookie, instead of a little one.  The cookie is partly eaten; I could bite off this little point that is sticking out, and enjoy it before moving on.  Or I could fit half of what's left of the cookie into my mouth, an amount three or four times what could be a bite, and bite that.  Sometimes I literally bite more than I can easily chew.  Why do I want to take the BIG bite?  I can identify a real urge to do it.  There is a pleasure that comes from taking the one big bite instead of three small ones.  It makes no sense.  It's disordered, folks.

(I wonder if other people also seek that drug out.  I suspect this is part of the reason why heavily engineered, concentrated flavors (Now With Super Xtreme Jalapeno Cheese!) are so popular.  Those flavors are noticeable even if you're scarfing food down as fast as you can.)

So if what I'm seeking is really the sensation of filling my mouth and gullet with substantially-textured stuff, it's not actually any sort of food I am interested in.  It is, even if it is at the dinner table, the sensation of secret bingeing.  

It hit me like a new insight.  There's a drug-like addiction going on here.  It is exactly like an addict who doesn't eat because he would rather spend his time and effort getting a hit from drugs.   I didn't realize it before because it seemed obvious the addiction is to food.   But no, food isn't the hit, food is just the drug delivery mechanism!  The singleminded pursuit of the sensation of the binge, over enjoyment of a meal, is like the addict preferring the hit from the needle to the eating that nourishes him.     There's nothing nourishing about a binge.  Just because the binge addict looks fat instead of wasted away doesn't mean the same sort of mental-emotional-addictive brain process isn't going on.  They are both seeking a druglike stupor instead of authentically meeting their needs, body and soul.

So there's even another reason to learn to slow down.  Every time I scarf down a meal or snack without really noticing it, I'm feeding the tendency to binge.  I'm rewarding the part of my brain (will it ever die away?) that reacts pleasurably to the stuff-n-swallow, the feeling of plenty.  

I want  to starve that part of me into submission, the part that eats like a machine to soothe the imaginary  demons.

 I want to waken and nourish the part of my brain that can taste the difference between two varieties of ripe June strawberries, between the two layers in a wedge of Cypress Grove Humboldt Fog chèvre; the part that notices the tender-crisp and tart-sweet balances in a wilted-spinach salad with onion, cumin, green apple and avocado; the part that waits months, passing up countless cheap imitations, to taste a soft pretzel fresh from the oven at the bakery in my own hometown, or a real homemade cinnamon roll with a mug of good black coffee.  The part that can enjoy something good even if --- especially if? --- it is a small something.

if it is possible to kill this addiction, the only way is to steadfastly refuse to feed it -- to refuse to eat quickly or with large bites.  Not secretly in the car or in front of the fridge, and not openly at the dinner table -- never again.  Oh, I hope that this insight will help motivate me to take it seriously, because I've really convinced myself it's important.

Comments

[Margaret in Minnesota]

You know what you're on your way to doing, don't you? You're on your way to writing a book.

And I would buy it.

PS. Your jar of oregano is taunting me from the cupboard. We need to get together, friend.

[elaine]

I think its inherent- built in even. We were programmed to live in times of want, and so we have those tendencies built in still. Ever seen a dog eat? They bolt their food and look for more.
Just a theory ;)

[4ddintx]

Elaine, I was going to post with the opposite viewpoint--do you think it's something inherent in America and our lack of food culture? I never saw this happen while in Africa for a summer. It's hard for me to imagine it in France or anywhere else in Europe. I wonder if our "snackiness" here contributes. What we often eat isn't very good, but the bolting counteracts that. I've never been one to like that overly full feeling, but I have been known (this week!) to overstuff my mouth with popcorn.

So, Is Margaret in Minnesota right? Are we reading the rough draft of a book? ;-)

Tabitha

[entropy]

I'm with you. I know I have the tendency to eat too fast and not taste my food. It's really hard to slow down.

[mrsdarwin]

I do the same thing, and it's very hard to consciously slow down and focus on what I'm eating. I really believe that this tendency to bolt food is the biggest factor in overeating. One can scarf an awful lot of food in the twenty minutes it takes to feel full.