So why do I call my habit constellation (described in part 1) "failure-free?"
I started to write a sort of philosophical post about having the right attitude, but I changed my mind. Let me instead report on my behavior -- just give you my observations of myself -- of the day I decide that I need to drop a couple of pounds, and the days just after.
That first day, I step on the scale, mark a dot on my weight chart, notice that all the dots of the last couple of weeks are high, or maybe a trend going up. I make up my mind: It's time to go into weight loss mode.
I know what the extra habits are that will help me turn it around, curb my intake and bring my weight back down into the proper range. I go over them in my mind and I resolve to practice them today. There aren't very many of them. It's a short list.
I don't execute them perfectly. Some of them I don't hit at all -- I forget, or I decide in the heat of the moment "it's not really all that important, my weight will eventually go back down," or I simply give in to temptation. Maybe I hit just one of them well. Maybe I hit several of them, a little bit.
I notice that, nevertheless, I set out to "practice" those habits, those skills, and I DID "practice" them. I behaved differently than yesterday when I wasn't "practicing," didn't I? Well, then! I practiced! I can always point to at least ONE time during the day when I did something differently because I was trying.
That's the first day.
The next day I do it again, and my observation is that I usually do a little better. I don't execute everything perfectly. Some of the skills I performed well on the first day, I don't do so well on the second day. Others I do better. A lot of the "misses" I can attribute to simple forgetfulness -- the habits are a little rusty, since I haven't needed to deploy them in a while. I haven't gotten into the groove quite yet. But my overall impression is nearly always that I improved.
This goes on for a couple of days.
After just a few days, I can usually point to one habit that I've gotten a handle on. I may still be missing all the other ones, but there's at least one habit on my list that I am consistently remembering and executing with little trouble. That's one thing that I'm definitely practicing. I make a mental note: Before I started "practicing" again a few days ago, I wasn't doing this one thing. I've made a little change. It's a real change and even if I made no other changes, I know it would help. Scratch that, I know it's already helping.
Over the next few weeks -- or days if I'm able to really concentrate -- the other habits start to fall into line. I stop forgetting. I remember what I'm doing from hour to hour. I can much more easily dismiss unhelpful thoughts. I still don't have any days that are "perfect." Usually there are a couple of the habits that I have not yet even begun to try to practice. "I've got time," I'll think to myself. "Right now I've got a couple of skills well in hand, still spotty on this one and the other one -- in a few days I'll have those more under control and I can put my effort into the next couple of habits. And that last one, well, I don't even have to worry about it at all unless I get the others going and things aren't happening fast enough."
Meanwhile, I'm still charting my weight, and after just a couple of days the numbers have started to look a little better. I keep that in mind, because it helps motivate me.
Eventually the extra pounds are gone, and I stop thinking about the habits, because, well, I'm done. If I feel like continuing them (they are, at root, healthy habits) I can, but I usually let them slide after that. They are there if I need them, ready to be called on again.
* * *
Here's what's missing from this scenario, which I've now repeated several times.
Urgency. I know there's no hurry to get it right. It took me a good year to learn these habits and to really get in the habit of practicing them; still, forty pounds came off and stayed off while I was learning. Two or three or five pounds can also come off while I'm re-learning.
Self-pity. I continue to be so thankful that I'm aware of these skills and that I have enough power in my life to make the changes -- thankful for my supportive husband, thankful for the increased awareness I have, and thankful for the many wonderful and healthy ways I can enjoy my food -- this gratitude engulfs any little "poor me" feelings that may surface in the moment. I remember what it was like to wallow in confusion over what to eat and when and in what combination. I know what works for me now. That knowledge alone makes me so grateful, I notice it almost at every meal when I'm trying to be careful. In a way, having to "diet" once in a while is a bit of a gift now, because it truly makes me aware of how much I have to be thankful for.
Perfectionism. Now that I've been through this several times, I have seen that it is simply not true that a less-than-perfectly-practiced habit today means even more slippage tomorrow. No, what really happens is that each day I am a little bit farther along than the day before. Call it three steps forward and two steps back if you want; it's still one net step forward.
All-or-nothing-ism. I'm also no longer a slave to the "I slipped up here, guess the whole day is shot, pass the Doritos" mentality. It's just another kind of temptation, you do realize that? A particularly insidious one? Everybody falls for it sometimes. But I know from experience that one slip up reflects only on that single moment. It does not expand to encompass that whole day. It is possible at every moment to say "Okay, I haven't stopped yet, but I am stopping right now." This far and no farther. I have done it, at varying levels of "far" over the line. I have seen myself do it time and time again.
Failure. Yes, failure is missing from this scenario. I don't fear it because it doesn't happen. There is no failure for me anymore, not when it comes to these weight loss habits. There's only "I practiced these" and "I didn't practice those." There's an observation that today my behavior was not the same as before I decided to practice. So the deciding was not in vain. I can see it. I don't have to pretend. There is no failure.
Continue reading in part three... Why even unplanned eating doesn't mean failure anymore.
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