Pickiness.

One problem with being "on a diet" in America:  It tends to make you an aggravated, and possibly aggravating, dinner guest.

This is where the habit of gluttony really shows its true colors, and in so many different ways.  Our cultural expectation of overeating as part of a celebration -- and I don't mean ordinary, natural festive feasting food, I mean really overstuffing -- tempts those who would like to remain temperate; and it causes people to take offense when a dish is declined, however politely.  

One of the more insidious ways, though, is that the dinner guest or houseguest  "on a diet" often can see no way to limit her eating, except to fall into another kind of gluttony:  eating "too daintily."   That is:   "being a picky eater."  

Allergies excepted, it's indeed gluttonous to ask that your host conform the dinner to your imagined dietary requirement.  What's that?  Did I just say "imagined?"  Yes, indeed.  There are no dietary requirements over the time scale of a single meal that are not imagined.  There may be dietary exclusions -- allergies and true food intolerances, as well as religious and philosophical taboos -- but no requirements.  Many exclusions are imaginary, too.  It will not kill a low-carb eater to have a polite quantity of rice or pasta or potatoes.  White flour may not be good for you, but it is not poison in small quantities to most people.   An entire dinner of deep-fried food, with nary a fresh vegetable to be seen, will not destroy a low-fat dieter.  But it is so tempting to sit unhappily at the table and think "Don't they know I can't eat all this stuff?"  Or to conspicuously peel the skin and breading off your chicken and leave it in a sodden pile on your plate.  Or else to become the Guest from Hell -- "Do you have any plain vegetables?  What's in this salad dressing?"  Even following the best advice -- bring a "safe" dish of your own to share -- often carries a subtext of "You make the WRONG food and I am trying to show you what is the RIGHT food." 

Look, I've been there.  I've done this. I spent several years trying to eat low-carb, which is one of the worst offenders in terms of diets for turning its proponents into picky eaters, certain that one bite of dessert will send them out of ketosis and derail them for the next 3 weeks.   I am keeping my fingers crossed that my in-laws and friends don't invade the comboxes and say "Come on Erin, you should talk."  I'm trying to be better!  I swear!

I'm bringing this up trying to make a plug for simple moderation of quantity as a dietary tactic.  Since I stopped following strict dietary regimens and started "not eating so damn much," I find it's a lot easier to be a dinner guest.  There's nothing I can't accept on my plate graciously:  potatoes, bread, meat, dessert.   If there are plenty of vegetables around, it's not hard to fill my plate up with half veg as I try to do on a daily basis.  But even if there aren't,  so that I must subsist (for just this one meal!) on high-calorie, low-nutrition stuff, no one can stop me from taking servings that are small enough to get the right amount of calories at least. 

You know the phrase "I'm saving room for dessert"?  Use it.  Really do save room for dessert, by eating a right-size portion of everything you're served.   You do not have to clean your plate.  Use "No, thank you" as many times as necessary.  And then when dessert comes, rave over it.  And then, if you like, stop before you're done and proclaim yourself too stuffed to eat any more. 

It's as simple as that.  And you can do it without explaining to anyone that you're on a diet, or have special needs, or are... "special."  You can just concentrate on being a gracious guest and having a good time with the company.

Reality:  You may not be able to consume a perfect meal, or even a "good for you" meal, when you are a dinner guest.  But you can always reinforce anti-gluttonous habits.  That includes pickiness.  Cheerfully accepting what's served to you and eating a moderate portion of it -- meaning that the only control you choose to exercise over the menu is self-control, i.e., STOPPING when you have had enough calories -- is part of being a gracious guest, and also an important skill that I think many of us have not developed and that transfers to lots of other eating situations.  And when you leave, you can reflect with pleasure on the habits you have reinforced -- making good choices (not just biochemically healthy choices, but charitable ones) in a situation where choices are, as always, limited.

Comments

[MrsDarwin]

Allergies excepted, it's indeed gluttonous to ask that your host conform the dinner to your imagined dietary requirement.

This is so true, and I believe that it's one of the reasons that people on a "diet" often sabotage their own efforts by fighting against friends who could be a support network. People who draw a lot of attention to their food preferences often alienate a host who might like to be accommodating; someone who takes what is served cheerfully and in moderation is a pleasure. And "I'm saving room for X" is a powerful weapon in the dieter's arsenal, because it's not a rejection of the host's food (and by extension, the host) but an acknowledgment that the best is coming.

[Christy P]

Balance over a lifetime I always say.

[Kelly]

I am now eating half sandwiches thanks to you. Yes, that is half meant as a curse. Who eats half a sandwich for lunch?? I do. With a piece of fresh fruit.

[Barbara C.]

This is a relevant concept for Catholics during Lent as well...to not make a big deal over what they can't eat (i.e. meat).

[bearing]

Yeah, Barbara, I was thinking about that. Also meatless Fridays outside Lent, because however commendable the practice, the fact is that right now it's optional... Tough call though between being a sign of contradiction and being a sign of pickiness.

[Kathy]

Small victory for me today. I went to the store reassuring myself that it was ok to get a twelve pack of coke. I made it past the soda aisle. I then went to the coolers at the checkout to get just one small bottle of coke and took a bottled water instead. The words,"I don't do that anymore" ran through my head. Actually, this is a huge victory for me! Thank You for this blog

[Cathie B]

Thank you for always being an accommodating eater at my house post diet. I haven't had the same success with my own family members after they've lost weight.

I always try to accommodate the guest because we are a hard lot to serve (with 7 major allergens between the lot of us). What is worse than the pickiness is the person who won't tell you what they WILL eat or CAN eat when you want to accommodate them. I have a relative that still brings her own food. I try to check that stuff out before I have people over since we're so tuned into allergies. It's very frustrating wanting to help, but not being allowed.

[Hannah]

Re: when you were low carb... luckily, I like zabbouli ;)

The image I always keep in mind when considering being charitable to the host is a relative on my husband's side of the family who refused to eat any of the meal that his grandmother (in her late 70's) got up at 5 am to prepare for him and his family. Especially the homemade fried pies that she had made from the produce of her own trees. It seemed suddenly so clear that it was not loving to treat someone this way. Eat the darn fried pie and make up for it later, makes a clumsy motto but a good policy.

[entropy]

Excellent and reasonable advice!

[bearing]

It occurred to me that it does happen that the family cook sometimes really does try to undermine people who are trying to change their eating habits, so I ought perhaps mention it -- but that's a different issue when it is someone you are living with day to day (having lots of meals with the person) rather than when you are a temporary guest. Open-ended or long visits (e.g. being an exchange student, being temporarily homeless and relying on the hospitality of friends or relatives) are sort of in between....

[bearing]

Congratulations Kathy. :-) I still like a fountain Coke once in a while but it really is once in a while...

[MrsDarwin]

Every now and then I crave the taste of a fountain Coke, but when I get one it never seems to taste like I think it will. You'll never get that taste from canned or a bottle -- maybe the taste doesn't actually exist except in my imagination.