The demon that feeds on fasting.

 

It just goes to show:  Never brag.  A couple of days ago I wrote a weight loss update in which I mentioned that when I tried to drop a pound, I hadn't been able to do it without effort, and (not really wanting to make the effort) I hadn't pushed it.  "But I'm holding pretty steady, and that's okay," I wrote. 

So, a couple of days after I'd been traveling, I suddenly saw my weight SPIKE.  Probably water, most of it; but my experience is that if I don't reverse it quickly, the water weight sticks around and becomes non-water weight.  Maybe a better way of putting this is that I suspect that the first sign I'm beginning to store some fat is a sudden episode of water retention.  Only a hypothesis, and only about me -- but still.  I was alarmed, and even more alarmed the next day when it didn't go away but was higher.

How big a spike?  Well, I've been a stable 113 pounds for about six weeks, but one morning the scale said 116, and the next 116.6 .  Yow!  I haven't seen either of those numbers for a long while.  And I have a philosophy about the scale:  don't bother too much about daily ups and downs, except when I see a number I haven't seen in a while.  I notice those.  The big ones scare me.

Like, really scare me.  Lie-awake-in-bed-sweating scared. 

And maybe here's the right time to mention a significant spiritual struggle.  Gluttony was a real problem for me, and somewhere between my asking and God answering and my work to meet Him where He wanted me to go, it's not a problem for me (much) anymore.  Yay me!  Except:  enter vanity.  I am now seriously, seriously afraid of regaining weight.  I like the way I look and feel now.  I am proud of myself -- not necessarily in a good way.  Am I diligent about getting to the gym... or obsessive?  It's hard to tell the difference. 

It's only natural to be pleased with my success so far.  There is, I am sure, a correct attitude somewhere, where I could be grateful to God for the gift of self-control, diligent in my stewardship of the health I have been graced with, pleased to adorn myself attractively for my husband and to reflect to the world my inward happiness and peace, and still unattached to the world and to my flesh.  I am not there.  I fear that I have made thinness and physical health an idol. 

Maybe it's always been an idol for me, but it was perhaps safer when I couldn't attain it.  Now it's my precious, y'know?  And I think the surest proof that it's really a problem is this:  I pray earnestly, "Please Lord, take away my vanity...." and what pops up in the mind is "...but even more than that please please please don't do it by making me fat again."   Don't make me choose between You and my body, I mean.  But I know darn well that God has already made me choose between Him and my flesh.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple."

Oh yes, I know what THAT means.

And meanwhile I keep looking for a way around it.

+ + +

If any of my readers think of gluttony as a big spiritual problem for themselves, then maybe this sounds self-indulgent. Wish I had your spiritual struggle instead of mine, Erin!  But bear with me.  Back when I was fat, it was really obvious that food was a sort of idol for me. Looking back at those struggles back then, they seem so simple compared to these crazy mind games.   Simple, simple struggles of the flesh versus the spirit.  All I had to do was deny the flesh!  Just like it says in the Bible!  It wasn't easy to do, always, but it was easy to understand.  Such a childish little weakness, wanting more cake.  Now I struggle with spirit against spirit -- it's not myflesh that makes war against God's will, but instead my love for my flesh.  So much harder to root out cleanly.

 
Gluttony isn't that complicated to fix (it's tough, but uncomplicated), because you only have to change something visible.  Your attitude doesn't have to change right away.  You can will your fist to put down the plate, and your heart can let go later, when it sees that it is safe feeding on the Lord.  But now I have to change something invisible, while not changing the visible all that much.  Can my heart let go of the idol of health, while my decisions and actions still responsibly preserve it?  What does that look like?  Does it look like anything at all, or is it entirely within?  How?  If I could only drive this demon out by prayer and fasting -- but on fasts, this demon grows sleek and strong.

+ + +

Today, vanity or no, I'm controlling calories and experiencing hunger.  I am thankful for obedience, which relieves the heart of some of its responsibility to ferret apart good and bad intentions.  It only makes sense to follow through with my plan to respond to a weight spike with careful attention to my food intake. 

At the same time, I am troubled by the intensity of my worry, and I wonder if I can somehow find peace.  I know, rationally, that the answer is not to set my heart on thinness and health and youth and beauty -- even though these things are often rewards of a disciplined life, I must not love them.  I must love God more.  And He has not yet asked me to choose between Him and those things -- except in the tiniest possible ways, just enough to chide me, to show me where my heart lies. 

I must be willing to lose it all, cheerfully.  I am not willing.   And yet I must be willing.  And I'm not. 

Yet.

"He went away sorrowful; for he had many possessions." 

Yet.

Comments

[Delores]

Great post! Many thoughts on it. I am reminded somehow, though I cannot trace the link in my brain, to your "letting go" of time.

[LeeAnn Balbirona]

Yes, fat or thin, it's the obsession with the body that is vanity. "Eating too daintily" can be gluttony too, right?

Hard to give up any ground in such a hard-won campaign.

I think so long as you are following your normal healthy plan of eating (maintaining your habits), observing the fasts of the Church and acting in charity towards others who feed you (when you are a guest, for example--as you've mentioned before), then you probably have a pretty good long-term plan.

Is there a special reason that 113 is your baseline number? When you are 40 or 50 will that number change? Will you give yourself a little allowance at some point to be not quite so fit?

[brooke]

Thank you.

[Celeste]

I can so relate to this post. Thank you for writing it. Lots to think about.

[Robin]

Reading and absorbing. So much to think about. As I grow older, I can't believe how much we women have our emotions tied up in food.

[Delores]

Robin, I was thinking almost that exact same thought the other day. My eating is rarely just about feeding my body when I am hungry -- it is about celebrating, or consoling, or fellowship. And I think the fellowship part is okay in moderation. The others are not. At least for me.

[bearing]

Oh, I think celebrating or consoling with food is fine -- with other people, you know? Alone, it's dangerous (for me anyway).
In other words, make sure you take your celebration or consolation *with* the fellowship.

[Delores]

But the problem with fellowship is when two people who eat to console get together and just encourage one another to eat. Consoling and fellowship eating are fine if one has proven more self control. Or another typical downfall for me: date night with my husband. That 'social' time signals to me 'chip and dip and wine' time. How to break that cycle?

[bearing]

Hm, I suppose that's true -- that two people with the habit of eating immoderately for celebration or consolation could reinforce each other's habits. I live with someone who doesn't reinforce my bad habits, so I didn't think about that.

[Robin]

Golly, my problem isn't necessarily that complex. It's more of a "the teens are mouthing off, ooooh I need a handful of chocolate chips!" kinda thing. If I go out with my husband or friends, it's actually easier for me to eat healthfully, because somebody else is going to cut up all of the veggies for my salad.

Oh, yes, throw laziness into the sinful mix.

[bearing]

I just realized I didn't yet answer LeeAnn's question:

"Is there a special reason that 113 is your baseline number? When you are 40 or 50 will that number change? Will you give yourself a little allowance at some point to be not quite so fit?"

I have this idea that I'll drift down to around 109 or 110 as my youngest baby ages, and stay there (excluding the effects of any future pregnancies I might have) until menopause. After that it's supposed to get harder to stay lean b/c of loss of estrogen, so I guess it depends on how difficult it is. I would be willing to trade a few pounds for a significantly easier-to-enjoy way of eating. But I really don't know where that balance will lie until I get there.

[Erika]

Thank you so much! I've been reading some of your back posts while I try to lose baby fat... you've helped keep me spiritually honest!

[Jess]

Thank you for posting this! I feel like I could've written it a few years ago. I am back to erring toward the gluttonous side of things. I lost 40 lbs. in the summer of 2005 and kept it off, more or less, for a couple of years. I have slowly gained it all back now, though. Plus some. I think gluttony and struggling with weight is partly a generational curse in my family. But I want it to stop with me. I pray that my daughters will know nothing of it. I am so grateful for your reminder that, no matter what, God is more important. That it is JUST as wrong to make being thin an idol, as it is to make food an idol. It is easy for me to say "all or nothing." But, I know we must eat and, in fact, eating is good! I know God gave us food to enjoy and I know He loves variety! I am working on losing weight again. But I do not have the goal of being stick-skinny like I was 40+ pounds thinner. Now I just want to lose about 14 pounds. Just enough to be in a healthy weight range. Well, thanks for your post!