Are you an apple or a pear or a banana?

Or an hourglass?  

Betty B. defines the characteristics of the shapefruit.

I have been following her series of posts on body type with much amusement.   Mostly self-directed.

Look, I'm a geek-type mom.  I don't know many homeschoolers who aren't (at least who really like homeschooling, as opposed to just doing it because they think they should, and more power to those moms by the way, but if you're really drawn to homeschooling you are almost by definition a nerd).

Most of my life I didn't get along very well with other women (still don't much) and have itched a little under the imaginary constraints of being (still have trouble typing this word) a homemaker.

Still, if I plop down in a waiting room next to a stack of Good Housekeeping and Family Circle and Real Simple, I'm going to read them.  And I'm going to enjoy doing it.  It's kind of a dirty little secret, but apparently I want to know ten household uses for a cut lemon, or how to pair silver and gold, or what the aspect ratio of my handbag should be, or whether this marriage can be saved.

And here I am with the entire Internet at my fingers, which is kind of like having an infinite supply of waiting room magazines, and what is the most engrossing, thought-provoking thing I read this week?  Betty Beguiles telling me how to figure out if I am an apple, a pear, a banana, or an hourglass.

+ + + 

So this is what she said about it:

• Banana -Your waist is at least 75% of your chest and hips, which are virtually the same.
• Apple -Your waist is at most 75% of your chest, and your chest is at least 110% of your hips.
• Pear - Your waist is at least 75% of your chest, and your hips are at least 110% of your chest.
• Hourglass - Your waist is less than 75% of your chest and hips, which are virtually the same.

So the first thing I did (obviously, because wouldn't you?) was to try to make a handy flowchart.  Because that is the way that I wanted to re-blog the information.

And of course I couldn't, because the second thing that jumped out at me about her instructions was that they do not cover all mathematically possible cases.  I restated them in the comments as follows:

Chest bigger than hips
Waist less than 75% of chest - apple
Waist more than 75% of chest - Unknown Fruit V

Hips bigger than chest
Waist less than 75% of chest - Unknown Fruit B
Waist more than 75% of chest - pear

Hips and chest similar
Waist less than 75% of chest and hips - hourglass
Waist more than 75% of chest and hips - banana

I nominate, respectively, a morel mushroom and a kabocha squash, but I am not sure that these have quite the cachet of apples, pears, and bananas.

Later I thought that Unknown Fruit B should really have been a butternut squash, which definitely doesn't have the cachet of apples, pears, or bananas.  But I digress.

+ + +

It turns out that, despite believing myself to be an apple based on the less, er, scientific and more subjective criteria that you'll find in, say, Wikipedia or Cosmo, I am an extremely short banana.  36-31-35.  Telescoped all together.

Which explains a lot, actually.

Because BB has been telling bananas that, since they have no waist, they should work to create a waist and define one.  For example, she writes, "Invest in cute waist-defining belts to wear over shirts, cardigans and coats."

Good advice for tall bananas.

But short people are always told that we should never, never, never define our waist, because it cuts the body in half and emphasizes the shortness.

(Handy tip:  If you google "cut the body in half" you will get a lot of results that are NOT ABOUT FASHION.  Don't say I didn't warn you.  Adding the term "belt" will help immensely.)

How short am I?  I am so short that I literally cannot wear many "cute, waist-defining belts."  You know that pelvic bone (iliac crest) that defines the top of your "hips?" And you know the bottom of the ribcage? And you know the gap between them where normal people put their waist? For me that gap is less than two and a half inches wide. Many belts won't even fit there.   Wide cloth belts would fold themselves in half the long way.  Wide leather belts would leave scars.

(I also have trouble fitting growing babies between my pelvis and my ribcage.  In case you don't remember, here is a picture of what I looked like the last time I was nine months pregnant with a normal-sized baby. The definitive pregnant short banana.)

Anyway, I look forward to BB's resolving this basic dilemma of the short banana.  

Because what else am I going to find out today from the Internet that will be more useful?  I already know ten household uses for a cut lemon.

Comments

[Hallie Lord]

As I mentioned over on my blog, I noticed the same thing about the mysteriously absent Fruit V and B. I did a little research and discovered that though there are other body types, they're apparently so rare that they're not included in the Big 4. Go figure.

I'm planning on writing a style guide for you lovely petite gals soon. Hopefully it will offer some useful tips. :)

Thanks for the helpful reflections!

[Amber]

Ok, this really made me laugh! I love all the mental pics this created too. I also had to laugh at myself - I was just about ready to figure this whole thing out for myself (I'm such a sucker for this sort of thing too) when I remembered that I am 8 mo pregnant. Somehow I think that would skew the results a bit, don't you? And I think I am in the throws of some serious denial... What - a newborn is about to enter my life? I thought I was just eating too much ice cream and sleeping poorly - doesn't that explain the weight gain, fatigue and back and hip soreness?

[Cathie]

I, too, am a not-very-comfortable with the SAHM gig and title, but am okay being a nerdy homeschooler.

And I'll see your 2 1/2" waist with my 1" waist. I CANNOT wear a belt because most belts are thicker than my waistline. Sigh...

Thanks for making me laugh coffee through my nose, again. I should know better.

[Donna Jannuzzi]

I think you might be focusing too much on that one tip, about the belt. I think all of her other tips are sound, even for petites. And I will say, as a fellow short person (I'm only 5 feet tall) that I completely disagree with the whole don't define your waist advice. You can't hide the fact that you're short. Personally, I think that body type is a more important factor than height when choosing clothing. As you pointed out not all tips will work for everyone, but that's sort of the hard part, you have to figure out what works for your body, which no one else has.

In any event, I think that the single most important thing to looking well-dressed is fit. If what you're wearing fits then it has a higher probability of being flattering. Basically, if it weren't meant for your body type then it most likely will not fit, does that make sense? So for example, belts don't work for you but what about wrap dresses? That might be a way to accentuate your waist in a way that fits and is flattering.

And for the record, mathematically I'm a pear, but I don't fit the description of "narrow shoulders, small bust". I really think I'm an hourglass with a large bottom. But I'm okay with that. I just do lots of squats to keep my bottom, um, shapely. =)

[dweej @ HouseUnseen]

I just read all your comments over at BB's blog and had to come over because ohmylordygoodness I was laughing out loud in that real way that means I was ACTUALLY LAUGHING. Out loud.

Just wanted to give you a virtual fist-bump for your awesomeness :)

[bearing]

Well, thanks!

And Donna, it's true that short people can't hide their essential shortness, except maybe with heels.

But it isn't just the overall "how tall is she?" impression that makes a short person look weird when the waist is accentuated. Unless she is very slim and waifish, which I am not, the cut of most waist defining clothes looks out of proportion on the short person. The bust and the hips just look too close together, compared to the woman-shape we carry around in our heads to compare our fruit to.

You know how Betty says the banana is also known as the rectangle? Well, a short rectangle is... a square. And that is how I feel in clothing designed with tall people in mind. Like a gift-wrapped cube box with the bow around the middle.

[Donna Jannuzzi]

I can readily admit that I am looking at it from my perspective, as someone who has always been rather curvy. I *have* to accentuate my waist since it is the narrowest part of my body and if I don't I just look fat all-around. So, I guess I just don't share your particular perception about waist defining clothes making short people look odd. I find them flattering on me.

Do you shop petites or are you looking for regular sized clothing that just happen to fit? I completely sympathize with the fact that clothing is designed with the average sized woman in mind and then shrunken for the petites and therefore not necessarily designed for our bodies. There are some companies who do petites better than others though, they are not all created equal. And for the most part it's the only option out there and you sorta just have to work with what's available. As I said, I am short too and so I completely understand your frustration.

[Colleenc]

I also wonder what shape I am.5 feet tall. Thin arms and legs and short waisted. I'm also a little overweight so my belly is not as petite as I would like. I'm used to being very petite, but middle age is kicking in. I'm thinking pear.

[Practicing Mammal]

Way too funny. I actually would prefer not being classified as a fruit at all. I have a classification... mammal. I wonder if other mammals classify themselves by produce. Like cats, do they say I'm a yam. I'm a papaya. PM