Typing feels like moving through wet sludge this week. I'm going to try to get this post out, though, while the middle kids are decompressing with some cartoons, the oldest is finishing his mechanics assignment (think punctuation, not wrenches), and the baby is sleeping. I mixed myself a rum and coke before I sat down, hoping that the combination of caffeine and relaxant will generate a little fluency. *slurp* Let's see.
I don't know why, but I have had little desire to write this week. Many ideas, little desire. Could be the early days of school; lots to do, less time. Could be that I have decided to embark on the consecration I mentioned a few days ago (thanks to those of you who emailed me and commented -- it was very helpful). On that, I've had a number of thoughts I've wanted to share, but had difficulty putting into words. This probably isn't the post for it. I will write about it. I want to write about it. Somehow I keep abandoning the posts after two or three sentences.
The kids are pushing back at me as we get started with school. Except for coschooling, which is so far fine, my days are so much less than I want them to be. If only there were enough of me to go around. If only I had enough energy at the end of the day to greet "Can I watch videos now?!?" with anything other than relief. I have made sure that my day's schedule includes a block of time spent one-on-one with each school-aged child. That's an improvement over last year. Now if I could just get the others to stop interrupting.
And why so much drama? Why so much wailing about what there is to do and how long it will take? Why not just sit down and do the damn stuff?
I'd better shut up on that last point, lest I have to take my own advice.
All right, I think I'm done venting. I just wanted to keep the blog from going blank.
Yesterday I went for a swim at the end of the day, and thought furiously as I plowed back and forth across the pool. I just need to discern what I'm supposed to be doing, I thought, figure out how best to allocate the limited resource that is me. An answer floated back to me as I touched the side of the pool: No, it is much simpler than that; I just have to do what I can and do it in love. If I don't know how to do that, I have to ask for the grace to do it, and trust that it will be enough. It makes sense, but I wonder what it would feel like; I don't think I have ever tried.
"I just have to do what I can and do it in love. If I don't know how to do that, I have to ask for the grace to do it, and trust that it will be enough."
I think I need to print that out and re-read it every morning.
Posted by: MelanieB | 07 September 2011 at 08:49 PM
Melanie: Yeah, me too.
When I say I don't know what that feels like, I mean it.
Posted by: bearing | 07 September 2011 at 09:26 PM
Are you going to the meeting tomorrow night? Sit by me and we can talk.
Posted by: Margaret in Minnesota | 07 September 2011 at 09:29 PM
Bearing,
You're not alone in this. Struggling with the same things here and feeling a little stretched. We had a good plan on paper but reality is never quite so neat.
Praying for you.
Posted by: entropy | 08 September 2011 at 08:58 AM
That's the Little Way in a nutshell. :) Do you read Heather King at all? I think you'd like her. Her blog is "Shirt of Flame."
See here for a favorite post of mine that you might be relevant to your present mood:
http://shirtofflame.blogspot.com/2011/08/little-way-therese-part-iii.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ShirtOfFlame+%28SHIRT+OF+FLAME%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
Posted by: LeeAnn Balbirona | 08 September 2011 at 10:41 AM
LeeAnn, I love that blog. Will check out the post you highlighted!
Posted by: bearing | 08 September 2011 at 01:40 PM
The recent one on synchronicity and seeing patterns might be of interest also. I think it's the one about the guy who collected junk and made artistic dioramas. Always something interesting at Heather's blog!
Posted by: LeeAnn Balbirona | 09 September 2011 at 11:03 AM