Staying crunchy.

I was reflecting with Hannah the other day on how, as your family grows (and you as parents learn and grow with it), perspective and experience gradually clarifies your approach to how you live out your values.  Some ways of living, you get even more and more confident and sure you need to do as time goes on.   Some preferences, though, turn out to be more situationally dependent than you realize, and when you find yourself in a different situation, you may make different choices than you imagined you would.  Other times, a tension appears between two values and you must choose between them or somehow make the best balance you can.  

And then, of course, occasionally you turn out to have been simply wrong-headed about something.

At age 25, I was a fairly crunchy, "continuum-concept"-minded mother-to-be.  Four children and twelve years later, which of my crunchy practices have I stayed committed to?  Which have yielded to a less-crunchy (or perhaps differently-crunchy) lifestyle?

Still Committed, Still a Believer, Still Going Strong

• Breastfeeding past toddlerhood
• None of that "baby food" stuff
• Co-sleeping nightly, well into early childhood
• Asserting our authority as parents, and striving for modeling and firm discipline that hopefully doesn't require "punishment" (caveat here is that I have always lost my temper a lot, so we have never been a yelling-free or attention-getting-swat-free house)
• Natural family planning (yes, I have reasons besides crunchiness, but it is pretty crunchy, and we are still with it)
• A parent at home full time
• Babywearing young babies
• Avoiding strollers
• Homeschooling

Even More Confirmed Than I Ever Thought I Would Be

• Actually being the parent at home full time.  (With every year that passes I am more comfortable and happy in that role, and more certain that the delegation is right for our family.)

Theoretically Committed, But No Longer Able To Figure Out How To Do It, Ergo Constant Feelings of Inadequacy

• "No TV or videos for kids under six"  
• "We don't eat that much sugar or packaged food"

Level of Commitment Has Waned, And I Don't Feel As Bad About It As I Expected Because Competing Values Have Grown Important

• Cloth diapering.  (With each child I've relied more and more on the convenience of disposables when out and about.)
• Babywearing older toddlers.  (My back can't take it.)
• Rarely leaving a baby with a babysitter.   (This would have shocked the younger me with only one child, to discover that I would use babysitters more than was necessary.  It turns out that my younger kids were greatly comforted by the presence of their older siblings.  Also, I now value getting regular exercise, and my older kids need attention from us too sometimes.  I couldn't have taken my big kids skiing, for example, without relying on the hourly child care there for the baby.)

Getting Lazy or Busy, and Aware That I'm Paying the Price

• Elimination communication/infant potty training.  I had #2 and #3 out of diapers by eighteen months.  I was so proud of myself.  I totally dropped the ball with #4, at 19m he doesn't even know what the potty is for, and now I have traditional potty training to look forward to.  It's my own damn fault and I know it.
• Patiently teaching very young children kitchen safety skills.  By the time #1 was 19 months old, he was well on his way to safely use various pointed and otherwise sharp or hot objects.  Not having invested that time yet with #4, it will be longer before I can be less vigilant in the kitchen.

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If I think of any more, I'll add them in updates to the post.  How about you? 

Added:  Jamie posts a response to this post.  How could I have forgotten homebirthing?  (selfdopeslap) Yes, homebirthing FTW. 

Comments

[LeeAnn Balbirona]

I'm mushy in almost all those areas now. :) My youngest is five but I got progressively mushier with each child. My crunchiness is expressed in different ways perhaps...not so much the parenting. Though we don't have a game system! That's my holdout. LOL

[Barbara C.]

Out of curiosity, with your kids that were out of diapers by 18 months, were there still semi-frequent accidents for a year or more? And did you ever consider that there was more of burden on you to remind them to go frequently?

My older two were late trainers, but once they decided they were ready (at age 3) I didn't need to carry extra clothes or remind them anymore than I do now(i.e. "go before we leave the house). Right now I'm waiting for my current 3-year-old to decide she's ready to use the potty full-time, but I think she also has some fluid issues we need to work out.

[bearing]

I don't really remember the frequency of accidents. There must have been some. Was there more of a burden on me to remind them? -- Absolutely; in fact it goes beyond "reminding" and is more like "taking them to the toilet." For example, the first stop on any errand is always to the bathroom. But to me that still counts as out of diapers.

I dislike dealing with diapers for lots of reasons, so even if there is more reminding and some accidents, I have always felt happier to be out of them.

[mandamum]

Mine that were out of diapers at 18-19 mo didn't have any more accidents then than they do now ;) Occasionally they will still get too engrossed in something to go soon enough. My first was "out of diapers" at 6mo, but I still had the accidents and reminders/taking, so that's why I'd call 18 mo the "independent" mark (hooray for the Baby Bjorn big potty). Having the first stop be the bathroom is something I see in lots of parents of preschoolers, no matter how they potty-learn. And all of my ECed babies were toilet-independent around 18 mo, even the boy I put into disposibles (because my "green" washer wouldn't wash his diapers clean...boo) and who decided he was opposed to potties on principle around 12 mo.

Erin, one of the things I love about your blog is that you are willing to have principles, to set goals and standards and then to reexamine them and rework or toss those that aren't serving your family where you are now. Such an inspiration and confirmation to me :) It seems like such an obvious thing, when I write it out, but it can be hard to see in the midst of life.

--Amanda

[Heather]

I like this post! Since I am still on baby number one, I sometimes worry that I won't be able to adhere to the same ideals for future children (very close to your list). One thing I'm curious about--how do you manage naps for cosleeping children? There have been many days where my son will not stay asleep if I am not with him, nursing, for much of the time. I worry that I won't be able to replicate that one for future babies!

Also, I am envious of your diaper-free success! Partly thanks to you, we have done EC part-time since my son was a newborn. Now, at 19 months, he uses the toilet regularly, but he is not anywhere near diaper independence. Maybe if I gave him a lot more diaper-free time, but the level of vigilance that requires from me is just too much...

[bearing]

My first three babies could all be "nursed down" -- I could lie down and nurse each one on my bed until s/he fell asleep, then I could wiggle free and sneak away. #4 wouldn't nurse down as a small baby -- the minute I moved he woke up -- so I tended to let him nap in the sling. After he got bigger he acquired the ability to nurse down. I still nurse him to sleep in the sling sometimes when I don't have time to lie down for 15 minutes!

But then my back hurts.

[elaine]

you forgot circumcision :)

[bearing]

Oh yes. Three boys and one girl, no genital mutilation. Can't imagine going back on that one. The best kinds of crunchiness are the ones that require inaction rather than action.