Asking for forgiveness.

When I was a kid, I got into trouble for ordinary kid-sort of things.  Not cleaning my room, backtalking (usually I didn't mean to backtalk, but somehow, I was told, things came out sounding that way), staying out too late, lying about where I'd been.

I often got myself into worse trouble for refusing to say "I'm sorry."  I was one of those people who reasoned, "I don't really feel sorry -- so it would be lying to say so.  I don't really think I was wrong -- no way am I going to 'admit' that I was wrong, since I wasn't."  

(I had not yet learned the fine art of the fake apology, so well practiced by public figures, the "I'm sorry that you were offended," or the "I'm sorry that you had to see this," much of which boils down to "I'm sorry that you got caught.")

After a while I figured out that it was sometimes in my best interest to apologize, and I did understand that.  I learned to say "I'm sorry" when I didn't mean it.  I learned that this sometimes made things better.

But as I grew to young adulthood, married and had a child of my own, I also remembered being a child, and I remembered the peculiar humiliation of being "made to say sorry" when I was utterly convinced I had done nothing wrong or even negligent.  It does happen, you know: just as happens to adults sometimes, children get misunderstood, misconstrued, wrongly judged.   And I grappled for a long time with the question:  what, after all, is the point of saying "I'm sorry?"  What is so important about it that adults teach children that they must say it to someone who feels they have been hurt, even if it is not a true statement?   What good does a "sorry" really do?  Is the pretense just social lubrication, like pretending you care about the weather or  the local sports team during obligatory small talk?  Or is there some meaning?  

Perhaps I was overthinking it, but I felt that it mattered.  I was a young adult on the verge of having to teach a child of my own.  I have never been satisfied with repeating the lessons that were drilled into me, at least not without understanding them.  I wanted to teach my child something I believed.

My first child was a toddler learning to speak and interact with others before I figured it out, in a sudden insight:  I saw the framework -- maybe just "a" framework -- in which an "I'm sorry" made sense.    

What I realized is this:  The purpose of an apology is to invite forgiveness.

Let's say that Billy believes Alex has harmed him, and is angry.  It may be that Alex intentionally hurt Billy, or it may be that Alex negligently hurt Billy, or it may be that Alex did nothing at all and Billy's made a mistake.  It may be that Alex ought to be punished for what he did, it may be that Alex owes Billy restitution, it may be that someone else deserves to pay, or it may be that no one is at fault at all.  

One thing is certain to help and not to hurt:  if Billy forgives Alex.

Christian doctrine requires believers to assert this, but so do many other sources.  Look, even the Mayo Clinic says that forgiveness will help.  

What clicked for me that day is that an apology does not necessarily have to be understood as pretending sincere regret (what if I know I didn't do anything wrong?) or repentance (what if I am still feeling angry and haven't yet received the grace of penitence?).  

This is so even if the words of an apology come out sounding something like "I am sorry, I was wrong."  The words are conventional words, part of an exchange that is ritual and thus has unspoken meaning.  They are an idiom.  They are not meant to benefit the apologizing speaker, by expressing the feelings that are inside him, so that the speaker feels his true feelings has been heard.  Rather, they are meant to produce an effect in the hearer.   

The intended effect?   To make it easier for the angry hearer to let go of his anger, to make it easier to forgive.  An apology is an invitation to forgive.  We say whatever we can say that will produce that effect.  If we cannot bring ourselves to say "I wronged you," perhaps because we know something different has happened, then at the very minimum perhaps we can bring ourselves to say, "Will you forgive me?"

+ + + 

Getting back to the children.  When I got my head wrapped around the idea that an apology is an invitation to forgive, I no longer fretted about how to teach my children to apologize sincerely.  In this framework, a "sincere apology" means an expression of a sincere desire that the other person forgive you.  Even if it is hard to be sincerely "sorry" sometimes, especially when wrongly accused, it is easy to sincerely ask for forgiveness.  Who would ever wish a grudge on anyone?  

So when my child says, "But it wasn't my fault, so why do I have to say sorry?" that is what I explain:  

You will apologize to her so that it will be easier for her to forgive you.  Jesus says we have to forgive each other, and it is hard to forgive when we are angry, so you will make it easier for her to forgive you by asking for her forgiveness.

I gave them a formula to follow to make it super-easy, so they will never have to search for words.  It goes like this:

"Jane, I'm sorry I stepped on your toy.  Will you forgive me?"

"Drew, I'm sorry I wasn't looking and I ran into you.  Will you forgive me?"

"Sue, I'm sorry I said words that hurt your feelings.  Will you forgive me?"

They have to speak the person's name, they have to look them in the eye, they have to follow the "I'm sorry" with a statement that acknowledges why the person feels hurt, and they have to ask for forgiveness. 

(Furthermore, if the person they hurt is a much smaller child, I require my kids to approach the child's mother or whomever and say, "I'm sorry I hurt your baby.  Will you forgive me?")

And of course, when one of them asks the other for forgiveness, I require them to say "Yes, I forgive you."  As soon as they can.

+ + +

Sometimes the brother and sister, summoned to enact the Apologize So She Can Forgive You script before me, are already smirking at each other as they recite.  I catch the little gleam of "There goes Mom again with her apologizing thing."  I like to see that.  It proves they aren't holding a grudge against each other; it's more fun to share a silent inside joke about their mom.  I hope they are still reciting it to each other and laughing many years from now.

+ + +

Of course, there is a drawback to this particular script.

It's the fact that when I correct my children, or shout at them, or say "Argh!  Again?  How many times do I have to tell you?!?"...

...they ask for my forgiveness.

Sometimes many times a day.

My eleven-year-old will stand there listening to me lecture him for a full minute and then when I stop he looks me in the eye and says, completely seriously, "I'm sorry I didn't finish unloading the dishwasher, Mom.  Will you forgive me?"

My five-year-old will look up at me through her tears and say "Mom, I'm sorry I crumpled up my math sheet.  Will you forgive me?"

My eight-year-old will glance shifty-eyed at me and say "Mom, I'm sorry I woke up my little brother.  Will you forgive me?"

And that is when I discover how hard it can be to say "Yes."  

There is such a temptation to turn it into a "Yes, but...."  which, basically, is not a "Yes" at all.  

I am still the parent and "forgiveness" does not mean nobody experiences any consequences or pays restitution.  I find, though, that the tone is altered:   I cannot, with a straight face, say "Yes, I forgive you" and then go back to shouting about a punishment.  It comes out, a little awkwardly, with some explanation:  "You're going to have to do two math sheets now, to remind you that you mustn't crumple up your math sheet just because you don't want to do it."  "You're going to have to finish sweeping the floor for me, because now I have to get your brother back to sleep."

And after it's been one of those days, sometimes I think:  Damn it, why did I teach them to ask me for forgiveness?  How many times do I have to forgive?

How many times, indeed?  

Comments

[Kate]

I like this! I tell my boys that even if they don't believe they are in the wrong or don't 'feel' sorry, they should be sorry that something has injured their relationship with the other person. I am trying to teach them that people - and relationships - are more important (*most of the time) than being right.

*God's law and following your conscience are the exception to this. It's more important to *do* what is right than to please other people. But it is not so important to be recognized as being right, which is what we all tend to want most!

[RealMom4Life]

I agree. We also require that the I'm sorry and I forgive you in a nice voice. If they can't bring themselves to forgive nicely we remind them of the words in the Our Father that we pray every night. Do they really want God to forgive them the way they just forgave?

[Bethany]

Great insight!

[Sara]

Hi,

I randomly found your blog when I was googling the topic of public apologies. Thank you so much for this entry - it reminded me what forgiveness is all about. I will keep these points in mind as I both ask my husband and other loved ones for forgiveness, and as I strive to be gracious to them when they seek my forgiveness.

[bearing]

Glad to be of help, Sara!

(Lessons meant for children don't often expire when we grow up, at least if the lesson is a good, true lesson.)

[Barbara C.]

There is a lot of food for thought in this post for me, since I've been accused of not apologizing well.

I have two questions, though.
1. How do you handle it if the "injured" party just does not feel capable of forgiving...if the hurt feels too big to let go of easily?
2. How would you handle those who seem to apologize for their own benefit (i.e. "by expressing the feelings that are inside him, so that the speaker feels his true feelings has been heard")? They do it more to relieve their own burden even if they know that in the process they will be putting a larger burden on the other person.

Of course, maybe I am taking what is meant to be a lesson for children and applying it to my adult problems....(sigh)

[bearing]

Barbara,

(1) It is rarely my child who won't say "I forgive you" because, I think, they are so well practiced at it. If it was one of my children, I would take that as a sign that the kids need additional intervention before the discussion is over -- maybe my child is reasonably afraid that the behavior won't stop, etc., in which case it is probably time for some redirection to different activities. You can forgive someone and still decide you're done playing with them for the day.

If it is my child who has apologized and asked for forgiveness, I tell my child, "Sometimes people need time to forgive you, and when that happens you just have to wait until they are ready." I might add, "Maybe s/he doesn't know how to say it and will show you instead.". With small children, at least, they usually go back to playing eventually. BTW, if my child has to apologize to a child who is crying, I make them wait (not playing) to apologize until the other child calms down enough to listen to what s/he has to say.

(2) Well, young children rarely give "fake apologies," right? The "I'm sorry you took what I said the wrong way" kind? They may say "I'm sorry" when they don't mean it, which I have just spent the whole post advocating, or they may refuse to apologize. Fake apologies, which have the words "I am sorry" or "I regret" in them but point the sorrow or the regret the wrong direction because they are not grounded in a desire for forgiveness, are the domain of older kids and adults. People who want to save face.

I have yet to hit the teen years, but I imagine that if I hear one of those coming out of my tween's mouth, I will take him aside and explain that there is nothing wrong or unusual about feeling that you have been misunderstood or wrongly accused, but that the fake apology is never appropriate. If you really desire to be forgiven (and even if the other person is wrong about you, you should desire his forgiveness because forgiveness is good for him and good for your relationship) you will find a way to express that desire sincerely. Maybe you will have to suck it up and say "I am sorry" and let the person think it is an admission of wrongdoing. Maybe it is not advisable to admit wrongdoing (there are sometimes legal consequences after all) and if no apology you can offer is accepted, at that point you just have to let it go and try (silently) to forgive *him* for refusing to forgive *you.*

If someone fake-apologizes to you, i guess I will tell my kids, you have the choice to accept it as if it were a sincere apology, or to treat it as an opportunity for more dialogue, chock full of I-statements ("I get the sense that you feel I have misunderstood you. Do you want to tell me more about that?") Past history and expected future interaction are the guide to which approach makes sense.

I think it is totally appropriate to apply lessons for children to adult problems. That is exactly what we are supposed to do as we grow up. It works really well if the lessons were good. And I think that the purpose of apologies does not change with age.

[Darren]

Like your thoughts about forgiveness. Thanks for sharing. Interestingly enough, I just posted about forgiveness on my blog as well.