Self-nightweaning.

This month it seems that the 32-month-old is night-weaning himself, on his own initiative.

This is the first time that we've been through this. Each of my three older children was still co-sleeping and night-nursing right up until I became pregnant with the next younger sibling. Pregnancy made me want to crave the soundest sleep I could manage, so I asked Mark to get up with the toddler (each was age two at the time) and offer milkshakes or snacks or WHATEVER IT TAKES AS LONG AS YOU DON'T WAKE ME UP, and within a few weeks they weren't nursing (or waking) at night anymore.

My current two-year-old has no in-utero competition, and I am really quite happy to continue nursing him at night for the time being. But a few months ago, he unexpectedly begin asking me to nurse him to sleep "in the little bed" -- the twin bed that's pushed up next to the queen-size bed in our bedroom, to give us a little more room for children who sneak back in the middle of the night. I would nurse him to sleep there, and then I would move back to my spot on the other side of Mark in the queen-size bed.

In the wee hours of the morning he would sit up, call "Mommy!" and I would say, "Over here," and he would clamber over his sleeping daddy and nestle in between us, and I would nurse him down again, both of us falling back to sleep together. Very sweet.

A couple of weeks ago, though, he didn't wake until it was nearly time for the alarm to go off. This happened again a few times -- then, days ago, he slept right through in the "little bed" until Mark had gone off to work and I was downstairs drinking coffee.

So it does, eventually, happen on its own.

+ + +

One of the things that pleases me about this is that it doesn't look very different from the nightweaning that I purposely put my older children through. Whenever I decide, deliberately, to mess with a comfortable life process, I like to try to mimic -- if I can -- the state of nature, so to speak.

So, I prefer a longer, later, and closer-to-child-led process of full weaning, for example; I had quite a lot of input into the day-to-day process of course, but my first child stopped nursing (all the time, not just at night) more or less on his own schedule, around age 4. When I weaned #2 deliberately starting at age not-quite-3, I looked around for various pieces of advice on how to do it peacefully, but in the end I decided to mimic my first child's more hands-off weaning.

I had observed that, that first time, the time between nursings got longer and longer. Eventually he would forget to nurse for a whole day here and there, and then two days, and after a while we would go more than a week between nursings. Finally the day had come when we nursed for the last time, although I didn't realize it had been the last until many weeks later when the next request never arrived.

So when I set out to wean #2, I decided to copy that process -- deliberately distracting him from nursing for just an hour or so at first until the gaps between nursing stretched to a few hours, then half a day, then a day. I would tell him when he finished, "Now the next time we'll nurse will be three o'clock," or, later, "The next day you'll get milk is on Thursday." And I stuck to it. I don't remember it being all that difficult. I was free to stay at one frequency for long enough to let him get used to it before pushing for a longer gap. Also, once the process got going and he was nursing less, it alleviated a lot of the pressures I had been under that had made me decide to wean him in the first place, so after a while the was no need to hurry him.

All in all, I recommend it to anyone who has decided to wean (as long as it doesn't have to be over quickly, because it isn't a quick way to wean -- just a fairly peaceful one). It seemed like a good compromise between what I needed and what he needed. If you are going to try some different ways to wean, I suppose my method is as worthy of a trial as any other.

+ + +

My three previous children, however, got night-weaned without the benefit of any maternal experience with hands-off nightweaning. But I am pleased to report that my youngest is cutting back his night nursing not too differently from how his older siblings were made to do it.

First of all, he is around the same age that they were at nightweaning. My first was probably about 30 months old, my second was 28 months, and my third was 34 months. Number 4 is now 32 months.

Second, I always started by putting them to bed on the other side of Mark, then moving back to my spot. (I think one of the times it was me who moved into the "little bed" to sleep by myself, but it is still basically the same arrangement). And here is my youngest voluntarily asking to sleep in his own little bed.

Third, he is wanting to be nursed to sleep in the little bed -- which I did two of the other three times. (One of them tended not to fall asleep until after latching off, so I would nurse him and then we'd be done and turn out the light.)

Fourth, I usually did nurse the others once in the morning before we'd get up and start our day.

+ + +

So this hands-off nightweaning looks a lot like my deliberate night weanings. If I wanted to cement it -- and I might yet -- I guess I could add the part where, when he wakes up and asks to nurse, Mark takes him downstairs and offers him ice cream instead. That is the main missing piece so far...

Comments

[Jenny]

I am assuming that by night nursing you mean waking up in the middle of the night to nurse. This is fascinating to me. None of mine have nursed during the night for nearly that long and I had nothing to do with any of them nightweaning.

My first nightweaned at 7 weeks. For real. And completely weaned at 20 months all on her own.

My second nightweaned at about 17 months by herself and completely weaned at 24 months with some help because I was pregnant and UGH.

My third nightweaned at about 14 months by himself and is still nursing at 26 months.

I'm not sure I could handle night feedings beyond about 18 months. It is so draining after awhile.

[Barbara C.]

This is one of the few actually helpful writing on parent-led weaning that I've seen. Almost everything out there either beats you to only do child-led weaning or is just very vague in it's suggestions.

Usually somewhere around 14 months I start having this overwhelming need to have my body be my own again. I'm afraid that night-weaning is what I do first, because I put a high price on sleep. (Although the last thing I do is cut out the bedtime nursing session.)

I do try to wean gradually over a period of two to three months for their sake and mine.

[Bearing]

"I am assuming...you mean waking up in the middle of the night to nurse."

Yes and no. Until this "I sleep in the little bed!" thing started, my child slept next to me, and neither of us really had to wake up to nurse. I couldn't have told you, ever, whether I had nursed the child one or four or six times. I know it isn't that way for everyone, but it always has been for me, with all four kids.

Except when I am pregnant, because nursing is uncomfortable-verging-on-painful for me during pregnancy. I can handle it when I am awake, but it tends to wake me up at night in a way that it doesn't when I am not pregnant. Which is why I night-weaned every time I was pregnant and nursing.

[Jenny]

We generally follow the routine of baby starts in the crib and then comes to bed with us if he wakes up. I would rather the baby start in the bed so there is no major sleep disruption, but my husband would rather the baby not come to bed at all. So it's a compromise.

[bearing]

Bedsharing always involves compromise... whether it's with babies or with husbands :-)

[Christy P.]

My 38.5 month old didn't nurse at night for a while between about 30-37 months, but he still wanted to sleep with us. Recently he has been nursing at night more, and it is hard for me to welcome this change, but I recognize that it is similar to how nursing intensity changes when they are younger. Nursing more or less or just differently as they learn new skills like sitting, crawling, or walking. He's recently started preschool, and I expect that once the newness of that routine wears off he will be back to sleeping all night again. In the meantime, I go to bed a little earlier and treasure the fact that I can still offer comfort to my little guy even if he isn't sure why he's asking.

[Christy P.]

Never planned on active nightweaning because as a mom who works outside the home it felt like that would be more like active complete weaning. BTW

[Bearing]

Christy, that is an extremely good point. When we are available all the live-long day, the additional availability at night can seem like a chore -- but it is really easy to see how in a different situation, the night nursing would be a cherished part of the day. Perspective!

[Monica]

Okay, for some reason I NEVER THOUGHT of having my husband offer something else in the middle of the night! Genius! I'm on baby #4, and while I'm not ready to think of night weaning yet (she's only 13 months), my other night weanings looked a lot like yours, without the ice cream. I'm going to have to tell my husband about this. I think he'll prefer it to simply soothing a sad little one who wants to nurse in the night.

[Bearing]

Well, I am not promising that you won't end up with a midnight ice cream addict, possibly two -- but I expect that it may help. After. While you can wean off the ice cream, or turn it into a bedtime snack with daddy, or whatever...