Single fathers: "Image is everything."

One of the themes of motherhood that I often muse on is the utility of image: what version of yourself to project? is it a substitute for authenticity, or a means of moving towards a different, also authentic,but chosen, self? how does it affect your kids' view of themselves and of their parents? how does our choice of images to project affect our confidence moving in the world? how does it affect discourse and the self-images of others who encounter it?

I suspect that the severe case of imposter syndrome that I contracted in graduate school, and that I think largely immunized me against Good Mother Imposter Syndrome, is the origin of this interest in image.

But I have not spent much time thinking about image and fathers. Today Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit posted an excerpt from a reader email that I thought was worth reposting in its entirety.

I have noticed your attention paid to the trials and tribulations of the single father. I am currently in the process of divorce and have been separated for more than a year. I have four daughters – ages 6 through 15. I have a great relationship with all of them. My wife is currently prohibited from having possession of them by court order – so I have them full time. Here are some tips for your single father readership:

1) be pro-active in setting up play dates and activities. Yes- this means making calls to other parents.

2) when dropping off kids at parties or play dates, go to the door and meet the other parents. When parents are dropping off their kids to you, go out to the car and say hello. Invite them inside.

3) take every opportunity to show people you are an involved father who pays attention and cares. This doesn’t mean one should become a phony and a “daddy bragger”, but it does mean you have to make sure people are aware you are a good person and a good dad. The single father image to some is not positive. Additionally, the ex-wife (and her friends and family) has possibly (definitely) been trashing you at every turn.

4) as part of your own positive image campaign, you need to bring up “domestic” type stuff when speaking to other parents. For example, I like to cook – so when a daughter has a friend over, I will tell the other parents not only what I made, but how I made it – and why I chose that meal. Also, conversations about new carpets or flooring etc can show you are not the single father Neanderthal walking around the house in a “beater T” and boxers.

5) don’t hesitate to tell other parents about your activities with your own children. I have enrolled all my daughters in kick boxing classes – and I encourage them to bring their friends for the free-trial classes. Part of this process involves explaining to the other parent what the class entails. I show videos of my kids riding unicycles.

6) when meeting other parents, get their cell numbers and emphasize that parents need to be in communication, as kids are prone to “mislead” parents on what the “real” plans are

Bottom line is that the image of absentee single father with empty pizza boxes strewn about and bimbos coming and going needs to be reversed. No one needs to be a phony, but image is everything – and the average single father is usually starting at a deficit. If you are doing good things as a father, people need to know about it. I am mostly introverted, but realized if I wanted my daughters to have a good home life with friends being allowed to come over – and stay over – that I had to get the underlying reality out there. I had to become a part-time extrovert.

Lastly, if other parents don’t allow the sleepover at your house (especially with daughters), don’t take it personally. While this can be annoying and upsetting, I don’t consider it a terrible outlook by the other parent. Having four daughters, I have the same concerns other parents would. That said, the further I get my story out there, the less I run into this issue…to the point that I have not come across this issue in months.

Anyway, I didn’t want to take up all your time on an isolated topic, but felt my experience was worth mentioning.

Food for discussion, no? Thoughts?

 

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Comments

[Jenny]

It's taken me a few days to come back to this post. I cannot speak specifically to the image of single fathers, but only to fathers in general.

Since my husband is the primary caregiver for our children, I have had lots of opportunity to think about the image fathers have. I think it is generally supposed that they don't really take care of their children. Father might be there, but it is assumed that mother is in charge.

The best example I can think of is when they go out shopping. Until the clerks got accustomed to seeing him out with the children, my husband was asked a lot if he was babysitting. That he was actually really responsible and not temporarily deputized was seen as an oddity.

Another example is at the pediatrician. We both usually attend their appointments. The doctor and staff know that I work full time and my husband is at home and yet almost every question is directed at me. Many times I have to say I don't know and ask him. It doesn't seem to occur to the staff to ask him questions directly, even though he is right there, but to use me as a mediator.

So if you are a single father, you probably do have to wage an image campaign on your own behalf, especially if the children depend solely on you for their social life.

A related story: There are four houses with children and a stay-at-home spouse on my street. My husband is the only father staying home. Two of my neighbors were part of a playgroup, but our family was never invited to join. A new family moved into the fourth house and one of the neighbors immediately invited the new mother to join the playgroup. Now she did this in front of me while all our kids were playing together, so there was no intent to hide it from me or exclude my children. The obvious sticking point with this playgroup was that it would be a man bringing the children and not another mom. They probably figured he had no interest in hanging out with a bunch of women and their toddlers. And they'd be right. My husband has no interest in joining a playgroup, so this wasn't an occasion for hurt feelings, but our children were being excluded because their primary caretaker is their father.

If a father is the only caregiver for his children, he really does have to strike out on their behalf because the default is to leave him--and them--out. I suspect it is less of an issue with older children, especially sons, but a man with daughters or toddlers probably looks at a lot of closed doors.

[Melanie B]

Jenny, that's really interesting about the playgroup. I suspect that points to the fact that playgroups are really only incidentally about the children playing and are really vehicles for mothers to socialize with each other.

I don't know any stay at home dads, but I'd be open to socializing with them via playgroup because many of my best friends have been men. But that's interesting that the men might not be interested in having that social outlet with other stay-at-home parents.

[bearing]

At least in our circles, the dad-equivalent of a playgroup is "Game Night." As in, board games, with kids messing around in the background, either playing their own games or watching movies.

[Jenny]

I wouldn't say that he isn't interested in having a social outlet with stay-at-home parents, but he wants to do 'guy stuff.' We knew a homeschooling family with five children at church where the father was the primary caregiver and the mother had a full time job. It worked out really well because their youngest was the same age as our oldest and their big girls thought our youngers were grand fun. I think that father and my husband relied on each other and socialized quite a bit, but it was centered around projects, chores, and small engine repair, not chitchat and field trips. Sadly that family moved away and now we don't know anyone with the father at home. As for the playgroups, he does not want to be the intruding man in a mothers' group and, besides, he has chores in the yard to tend. :)