The last time I wrote about the crash of the token economy, in which the experiment of using popsicle-stick tokens to link the children's chores to their allowance appeared to have stuttered to a halt, I ended thusly:
I sat down and thought about the jobs I wanted the kids to do and the break times that are part of our day...
I made a little schedule and showed it to everyone at dinner time. There was much groaning.
But my teenage son said, "I can do a better job than that, Mom. You should let me come up with a system."
At first I was reluctant, but then I said.... "OK. You come up with something."
And everybody in the comments thought that was a great idea I had and they couldn't wait to hear what my son came up with.
OK, well... that was funny, because I didn't realize I was setting you up for the Narrative In Which The Young Person Comes Up With The Great Idea That Works.
I should have set you up for the Great-Sounding Idea That Doesn't Work (At Least Not Right Away).
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My 14yo's idea was this:
- The three big-enough kids should each have a list of jobs they had to do every day.
- They could do them at any time of the day that they wanted.
- They could ask for the job to be checked, so that they could get "credit" for it, as soon as it was accomplished.
(The last bit had been a sore point for my 14yo because he felt it was incredibly unjust that his room might be cleaned perfectly at 9 am but if I didn't get around to checking it until 3 pm it might have become messed up by then. He definitely has a point. I had set an alarm for 11:05 am to check the rooms, but I often silenced it because I was busy and didn't check till later.)
I said, "We can't do the last bit. For one thing, I cannot promise that I will drop whatever I am doing instantly and run upstairs to check someone's room just because you or the 11yo or the 8yo happens to b ready at that exact time. I might be trying to teach the 4yo, I might have hot things on the stove. I promise you that the last bit will not work."
"Oh... well, can you at least check it at the same time every day?"
I thought about that. The random checks really bugged him. And I couldn't blame him for that, either. They say -- reasonably -- that kids do best when their expectations are predictable. Although it seemed to me a predictable one ("Just keep your room clean all the time and it won't matter when I check it") I had unwittingly created an unpredictable expectation, and all three of them hated it.
Mark had told me, "Figure something out, and if you need help keeping track, tell me what I can do and I'll do it."
I suggested to the 14yo, "Suppose I had Dad check your jobs as soon as he gets home. Then if you do them in the afternoon, they won't be entirely destroyed, and we won't have him expect perfection."
"Yes. That'll work!" he said.
I cautioned him: "Dad WILL NOT remember to do this on his own. You HAVE to remind him when he gets home. Otherwise he will forget, at least until it becomes a habit."
He said he would.
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So I made a new schedule. I still required the kids to make their beds in the morning, put their laundry in the wash if it was their day, and clear their breakfast dishes before starting school. I suddenly had the brilliant idea to add "Brush Teeth" to the morning list of jobs (why didn't I think of that before?) And they'd still have to help me clean up the kitchen right after lunch in order to earn all of us the precious break time until 2 pm.
All the other check-able jobs went onto a list entitled "Anytime before Dad gets home (Unless making dinner)."
I figured that if a kid was making dinner, he or she could be exempted from all these afternoon jobs for the day.
For example, my 11yo's afternoon check-able jobs included:
- Downstairs ("guest") bathroom - wipe up, clear the floor and counter, make sure there is enough toilet paper, soap, and hand towel, empty trash
- Basement climbing room - remove clothing and trash, make sure there's a path from the stairs to the pantry so I don't trip, check for safety hazards, put clothes and DVDs on shelves
- Bedroom - clear floor of his stuff, put clean clothes away and dirty clothes in basket, close closet and drawers
We drew a dark border around the set of jobs that Mark was supposed to check each day.
I stuck the schedule on the wall next to the computer where he would be sure to see it.
I told Mark about the plan and he agreed to it.
And then (to make a long story short) none of us ever remembered to remind Mark to check the jobs, so he never did, and we let the whole month go by with no accountability whatsoever.
Discipline! It starts with the self.
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But there are some bright spots in all this. My 11yo had been impressed with the importance of keeping the downstairs bathroom clean enough for guests, and -- I noticed. That room had been basically clean enough almost all month. And it had never run out of toilet paper.
I kept thinking to myself, "Must write this down or something" but not doing it. But still I noticed.
The same child had been told about the basement, "I know there's a lot of stuff to do down here, but the most important thing -- the thing that I notice every single day -- is whether I trip over anything when I go down to the pantry to get a can of tomatoes or something. Please, if you do nothing else, keep that path clear."
And -- he did! I don't remember whether any of the other jobs were done, but I noticed that I hardly ever had to kick a toy or struggle with a foam mat to get to the pantry and to open the pantry door.
I think he actually understood that his jobs were important to our family. And somehow it actually motivated him to do the part that really mattered.
I also knew that my 14yo had done a reasonably regular job of tidying up the game room (because he always announced it to me: "Well. I had a good day. Got the game room cleaned up, too.")
My 8yo had been more spotty about it all, but the two of us had spent a lot of time in her room working to get it from Utterly Destroyed to Manageable, and also things had been rather shaken up by the introduction of a bunk bed and a new bedtime routine so that her 5yo brother could effectively share the bedroom with her.
So we just paid them all a flat allowance for January and called it good.
This month, more tweaks.
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