What I see.

I am not writing this for people who are fans of Donald Trump.

Here's what I see in the man: a certain type of abuser, courting the abused, in a certain stage of the relationship.

It's the stage of You are special; I am special; we are special; you are the only one who really understands me; I am the only one who really understands you.

Those other people: they're going to try to get between us. They'll never understand how important it is, this thing we have, you and me. They just don't get it.

Those other friends of yours -- they're trying to turn you against me. And I am the only one who really understands you. They're trying to destroy us. This thing we have together.

The rest of your family -- they are manipulating you, lying to you. They don't know me like you do. Don't listen to what they say. They're crazy. They're out to get us. I am the only one who really understands you.

Oh, she said what to you about me? Really? Wow. She's really over the edge. Of course she would say that. Do you really think you should be listening to her? I can't tell you what to do, but I know I wouldn't put up with someone who says the things she does about you. You do what you feel comfortable with.

The rest of us can no more hope to change the minds of someone in thrall to this than we can hope to make the smitten see, early on, that the abuser is No Good. The abuser takes on a different personality, a plausibly deniable personality, depending on the audience. The enthralled really do understand the abuser differently from how the rest of us understand him, because they see one carefully-cultivated side while the rest of us see another.

We may attempt an intervention. We may try to describe what we see. In doing so, we confirm to the lover everything the abuser has laid out in his case against us, behind closed doors. The lover, once our friend and companion, concludes, "You are crazy; he is right; you are trying to drive a wedge between us. I understand him; you do not. He understands me; you do not. You are against him, against us, against us both."

We have no credibility anymore with anyone in thrall to this certain kind of abuser, the kind who can convincingly manipulate appearances and reality. Usually this happens slickly, skillfully, intuitively.

Occasionally something misfires and the abuser lets fly with something so blatantly a lie that no one could ever fall for it. Up is down, black is white, I own the successful business that produced these steaks; never mind the packaging. The lie is so amazingly obvious that the rest of us are left wondering what the hell just happened. Did he really say that? Did he really say that thing that could be proved wrong with a simple photograph? Did he really contradict what was right in front of every single one of us? And look what has happened -- we are actually questioning our own experience, because it's just so damn insane. This kind of an abuser is so used to having power over people that he tries it with everyone, even us, and it almost works -- sort of (he can't possibly have lied about something so obvious -- he can't possibly -- it can't really have happened -- did it?)

That's what I see.

 

Posted with Blogsy

Comments

[Kate]

I think you've nailed the poisoning the well element. In that respect, I think we've been well-primed for that by years of rhetoric urging us not to trust mainstream reporting, labelling and dismissing nonpartisan sources as biased. Somewhat the way many women are primed for abusive relationships by a string of just sort of ordinarily bad/dysfunctional relationships. We already had a taste for misunderstood rebels, and now the abuser is taking advantage of that history.

[Melanie]

very insightful, love it